Thursday, February 11, 2010

I figured it out

Tonight I had two opportunities to make a difference for someone in inspired ways that felt good-- and I figured out who I wanted to send my email to.
I'll start with my email. I sat and thought for a long time about who I might send an email to and express how they have made a difference in my life. When the right person came into my mind I knew instantly. I opened up a fresh email and just started writing. I started thinking about how this person has been there for me in some really traumatic moments and how inspiring she is to me in the way she lives her life and shares her passion and truth. It felt good to share with her. To not hold that kind of expression back and keep it all to myself. It would be easy for me to be jealous of her because she is so cool. It would be tempting (and has been sometimes in the past not just with her but with many people) to compare myself and then minimize the things I like about her because they could make me feel less and smaller and inadequate and like I could never be as cool. This is something I have struggled with many times in my life and often given into. But thankfully, tonight there was none of that. There was genuine love, appreciation and gratitude, and a sense of joy in giving my compliments freely, and expressing genuine gratitude and love, without holding back or comparing.

Now for my two people.

The first one turned out to be my son. I have been working so hard on changing our life, trying to create a better life for us, on following my dreams and passions, and on trying to learn everything I can, that I have unwittingly put Ezra on the back burner. I am ashamed to admit it. I have felt guilt and regret and embarrassment about it. But last night when I was planning my most important tasks for today it came into my mind that Ezra needs more time and intentional attention from me. So I decided I would do two things for him. One-- take him for a walk today and two-- make sure he gets some vegetables since I have been slacking of on making sure he gets proper balanced nutrition. I used to be so good about that. Lately it has been a challenge to make sure he gets enough fruits and veggies and not just do the easy quick things I know he will eat. Anyway, I took him out to eat and after we ate I decided to let him run in the mall. I have never let him do that before but I felt inspired to take him where it's warm and there is plenty of room to run and explore. It was so cool because people were setting up for an antique show there this weekend and there was a whole store dedicated to old john dear tractors. They let him actually sit on one and "drive" it. HE WAS IN HEAVEN. He played on that thing for 20 minutes. Pulling all the knobs and buttons and steering it. He actually threw a fit when it was time to leave. I think he would have been perfectly happy to sleep on it. I was so grateful that I LISTENED. That I followed that guide that comes form deep inside. Who better to make a difference for than my own child? I can do better at meeting his needs. And I choose to do that. I'll let you know how it's going.

Person number two turned out to be a woman at the place we went to eat. She had two toddlers and was trying to hold onto both of them and carry all her food-- and folks, she looked exhausted and overwhelmed. I felt a huge pull of empathy toward her. I know that feeling when your hands are full and you just can't keep it all together. MOM's are amazing. The thing is she looked so worn down and overwhelmed and my heart really went out to her. There really wasn't much I could think to do but I went and asked if I could carry her food for her. She turned down my offer but as I was walking away she said. Thank you so much for the offer. That was very kind of you. I appreciate it.

You just never know. But I choose to make a difference in big and small ways whenever I feel inspired to do so. I choose to open myself up to those opportunities, and invite them into my life.

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