Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Did I just eat another Maple Bar?

A wise person once told me that there is no pain like heart pain. At the time the pain I was experiencing seemed so profound, but looking back it was really a simple heartbreak from a broken puppy love crush. It doesn't matter though-- when the heart aches, it aches.

It's been awhile since I last posted. A lot has been going on. It's hard to know what to post about and what to leave out in blogland. I have been making some very hard decisions in trying to figure out what is best for me and ezra (ezrebecca as my little friend ariana calls us :)). Unfortunatley Murv decided he does not want to stay married any longer and it seems we are unable to reconcile our views about so many important things that I have accepted his decision and quit holding on in hopes of reaching some workable compromise.

I spent last week in Texas cleaning up a lot of our messes, packing up and driving a moving van back to Idaho. It was a long and painful journey. And while this is definitley not the outcome I had hoped for, it does no good to argue with reality nor to hold onto dreams that seem to have no possibility in the real world.

The journey with Murv has been one of great importance in my life. I come out of it with a beautiful son, an almost two year adventure living "off the grid," raised awareness and consciousness of myself and our mother earth, and many lessons learned about life, how to be happy regardless of circumstances, and an even firmer belief in a loving God who watches over and protects me, comforts me and guides me, while still allowing me to make mistakes and learn as I stumble along. I walk away bruised and tattered, But with a firm knowledge that I gave and loved wholeheartedly, to the best of my ability. I went at our dreams and our life together with tenacity, hopeful optimism and undaunted courage. Seriously, Lewis and Clark have got nothin' on me...

To be frank, there were many ugly and difficult times in our journey together--too many. But to be fair, there were also so many beautiful times as well.

While I feel the weight resting squarely on my shoulders of adequately caring for this amazing boy -- this union of mine and murv's souls-- by myself- without the person I optimistically believed would always be my other half-- I will trust and not be afraid. I will hold my head up high and continue walking the path. I will truly miss Murv's presence in my life and hope that the pain of this loss and the death of all that could have been will heal over time. Maybe some day, in some way we will all still get to be padobe kids...I have been around long enough to know that things always have a way or working themselves out.
For now you may catch me eating too much and unhealthy food (like a maple bar before I even get to the checkout line at the grocery store), or playing a little too loudly on my drum, or curled up in fetal position, or staring off into space as I walk around in a daze-- trying to let go and go on...but I trust that this too shall pass, and there is still so much to look forward to.