Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Did I just eat another Maple Bar?




A wise person once told me that there is no pain like heart pain. At the time the pain I was experiencing seemed so profound, but looking back it was really a simple heartbreak from a broken puppy love crush. It doesn't matter though-- when the heart aches, it aches.

It's been awhile since I last posted. A lot has been going on. It's hard to know what to post about and what to leave out in blogland. I have been making some very hard decisions in trying to figure out what is best for me and ezra (ezrebecca as my little friend ariana calls us :)). Unfortunatley Murv decided he does not want to stay married any longer and it seems we are unable to reconcile our views about so many important things that I have accepted his decision and quit holding on in hopes of reaching some workable compromise.

I spent last week in Texas cleaning up a lot of our messes, packing up and driving a moving van back to Idaho. It was a long and painful journey. And while this is definitley not the outcome I had hoped for, it does no good to argue with reality nor to hold onto dreams that seem to have no possibility in the real world.

The journey with Murv has been one of great importance in my life. I come out of it with a beautiful son, an almost two year adventure living "off the grid," raised awareness and consciousness of myself and our mother earth, and many lessons learned about life, how to be happy regardless of circumstances, and an even firmer belief in a loving God who watches over and protects me, comforts me and guides me, while still allowing me to make mistakes and learn as I stumble along. I walk away bruised and tattered, But with a firm knowledge that I gave and loved wholeheartedly, to the best of my ability. I went at our dreams and our life together with tenacity, hopeful optimism and undaunted courage. Seriously, Lewis and Clark have got nothin' on me...

To be frank, there were many ugly and difficult times in our journey together--too many. But to be fair, there were also so many beautiful times as well.

While I feel the weight resting squarely on my shoulders of adequately caring for this amazing boy -- this union of mine and murv's souls-- by myself- without the person I optimistically believed would always be my other half-- I will trust and not be afraid. I will hold my head up high and continue walking the path. I will truly miss Murv's presence in my life and hope that the pain of this loss and the death of all that could have been will heal over time. Maybe some day, in some way we will all still get to be padobe kids...I have been around long enough to know that things always have a way or working themselves out.
For now you may catch me eating too much and unhealthy food (like a maple bar before I even get to the checkout line at the grocery store), or playing a little too loudly on my drum, or curled up in fetal position, or staring off into space as I walk around in a daze-- trying to let go and go on...but I trust that this too shall pass, and there is still so much to look forward to.

23 comments:

Heidi said...

Rececca, that was a difficult, sad read. I'm so sorry you're experiencing such a painful time in life. I hope you can have peace and find joy in your beautiful little Ezra.

hillary said...

Ironically I looked through your blog yesterday a bit - I just found the link on my sister's side bar. I wondered a bit about what happened with Murv. . . and know it really isn't any of my business! Then this post was on the top of her side bar today. So I read it. I am so sorry you are dealing with this right now. . . but because I too am a mother, and because reading through your old posts it is SO clear how much you care for and love your dear little boy, I am sure you will make it through this time. You look absolutely amazing and I am sure that life has so many more wonderful things in store for you. Thank you for your candid post. . . it will most likely help in your healing to have shared it with the world.

Heather said...

I love you till it hurts little sister. Right now you are my hero for making the sacrifices you have made so that you can care for and love your little boy.

Today I'm praying for you to find peace and comfort so that healing will follow quickly behind.

LYF!

Lauriel said...

Rebecca-
I am so sorry! What you are going through cannot be easy, I can't even imagine. I admire you for putting your all into a relationship and being optimistic and hopeful about the possibilities. I hope you can can find peace that you are doing the right thing for you and for Ezra, and that you can laugh with him through your tears.

Susan said...

Reebs,

You amaze and inspire me. Thank you so much for your words. For sharing your heart-pain. It sucks. That is that.

You are so wise and holding your head up, as you should.

We (all three of us) love you and little EZ-Jay with all our hearts.

I wish you deep breaths, long walks, peaceful naps with a baby breathing on your chest and as many maple bars as your little (huge) heart desires.

xoxo

SharonB said...

Reb,
That is one of the most beautiful blog posts I've ever read. I am daily amazed by the rasiliance of the human spirit. You are one of the most beautiful (inside and out)human beings I know. I hope you know how much we love you. You are amazing. And we love Ezra too!

Eric & Gretchen said...

Rebecca,
I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. May you find the peace and joy in life that you need to get you thought his difficult time. I am excited to meet Ezra over Christmas.

Lindsay and Casey said...

my heart hurts too. i love your guts and always will. you have taught and continue to teach me so much. i'm a better person because you are in my life. what would i do without my rebel??!!
I'm praying for you guys.

The Belnaps said...

Rebecca, you are a strong and amazing person. I have no doubts that you will come out of this stronger than ever and having a better sense of who you are and what you want most in life. Ezra is a tremendous blessing and lucky to have you. You're in our thoughts and prayers.

delore said...

Reb, that was a really beautiful entry. Thank you for sharing.

Sarah said...

Rebecca,

Life can be so hard sometimes. I am so sorry that you have to experience this bump in your road.

Never underestimate the power of one healthy, whole parent. Ezra is so lucky to have you.

Love,
Sarah

Marci said...

Beautiful post Ebbecra. I love you! I'm so inspired by your wisdom and unconditional love.

Parker and Vanessa said...

You can crawl in the fetal position while visiting me..if you want to get away! We love you and are here-always, hope you know that.

ecuakim said...

Been worried about you. I'm so so sorry. And I love you. So very much.

Jaime Boots said...

I love you, Rebs.

Ryan, Mary, Cash and Marley said...

Okay, you are amazing and doing a wonderful job. If you need a shoulder or someone to vent to I'm always here! I love you! And by the way, you look amazing in that last picture!

Melissa and Jared said...

You are one of the strongest people I know. You stood strong by your beliefs, but also respected Murv's. As hard as that was you recognized what you wanted and needed for not only you, but also Ezra. I don't know many people who can do what you did.

Stay strong and know that so many people love and care about you.

Christine said...

Rebecca,
I know we have not talked in about umm 12 years or so? but I feel you pain! hang in there! you will be ok! you will get through it and you will be happy again! that I can promise you! because I have been there! I have felt your pain! I have cried the same tears and I have spent many nights curled up wishing it would stop hurting! I feel for you! I will pray for you! keep in touch ok!

Mibs said...

Hey Rebecca, I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am the way things turned out. I saw my parents go through this and I know how incredibly painful it is for all involved. There are alot of people out there thinking and praying for you. Go read section 121 and 122 again and remember this too shall pass.

Timothy and Nicole said...

Hey Rebecca I don't have the right words to say or write. But know that I love you, and am sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

the child family said...

Rebecca,
Hey, wow, what a time to pop in and say "hi". I can't imagine what you are going through right now. I'll have to start from the beginning and read through you blog when I get a minute to get up to speed on everything. Until then, I am thinking about you, praying for you and am excited to reconnect (I found you through Tanya's blog).

Spencer said...

Reb,

You know we love you and "Ezrabecca" tons. Your heart never ceases to amaze me. Call me anytime and come visit again if you ever need some sun. ;)

Us

Zuzu's PETALS said...

It's me, jenni! I like ezrebecca but I decided I like Rebezra more.

I love you Rebezra!! can't wait to play you guys my song about george bailey in January..

xoxo
j.