Last night some painful childhood memories came up. Then this morning my daily reading was about thinking back to childhood- to the time when we still trusted our instincts and our own thoughts, when we didn't second and third guess ourselves and make decisions based on what our mom or our sister or our friend thought, but by our own stars. Then I did the 7 minute meditation and as I was doing it I connected in my minds eye with the little 3 year old me. She sat right on the couch next to me and I reached out and held her hand (she didn't flip me off but that picture made me laugh so hard I had to include it). I looked at her as an observer but also as a mother. I thought of her like I do my own son and I just wanted to scoop her up and hold her and kiss her head and tell her how remarkable she was/is. Then I saw her as an awkward adolescent and I just imagined myself sitting with her and letting her ramble and tell me all her deepest secrets and truest thoughts and feelings and I visualized giving her lots of love and acceptance and smiling at her and hugging her and telling her jokes to lighten up her life. Then I saw myself in college and grad school at times when I felt so alone and so unsafe. I visualized myself being a friend to that girl. Sitting on her bed next to her and playing with her hair and laughing with her, crying with her. Somehow in this spiritual way I was able to give things to myself that I needed in the past but wasn't able to give myself then. Basically love and acceptance. It felt so good. It may sound whacky to some of you. But it was healing goodness for me. I choose to trust my own instincts. I choose to be bold and brave about who I am and what I think and feel and believe and about my life choices. Sometimes I care too much about what other people think, or what they might be thinking, or what I think they are thinking-- when I don't even really know. Sometimes they tell me what they are thinking and then I start to question myself and my own thoughts and opinions. I am going to stop doing that. There is no one else on the planet who knows what is best for me, and what is best for Ezra, better than I do. I may make mistakes but really I'm the best man for the job-- as they say. I choose to continue to learn to connect more and more with my authentic self, and to allow myself and others to see and know her.
2 comments:
I am not even prepared to comment on you post. I'll just say a simple "thank you" for now. Especially for the picture of the little girl with the middle finger. It really may as well have been you!
love.
I do this too... WHY! I have been making sure I try my hardest to not. I care too much about what other people think, or what they might be thinking, or what I think they are thinking-- when I don't even really know. Sometimes they tell me what they are thinking and then I start to question myself and my own thoughts and opinions. I am going to stop doing that. There is no one else on the planet who knows what is best for me sometimes i feel like i need help, but I know right where to go to get help to make those decisions... to make sure I make the right one for me.
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