Blue Horses

AANNND SHES BACK!!!

2011-12-16T09:17:00.001-08:00

After a long and unexplained absence, which I choose not to go into, and without further adieu, this blog is officially back in action....for now.
Ezra and I left Boise Idaho for LA about two weeks ago at the beginning of December. We spent three action packed days with some awesome friends who made it pretty damn seamless and stress free, so we could get expedited passports. That's right folks. My passport had not been used for FAR to long, and the fact that Ezra didn't even have one yet, is a shame in my book. BUT within two days we both had our passports and we were on our way...off on a new adventure. Thanks Mike and Michell, Jamie Boots Wilson and Charu and Martin for your support along that leg of the journey. Seriously, Mike picked us up at the airport, took us out for California famous In and Out Burgers, brought us home to his lovely family, let us stay there. GAVE me his GPS equipped car the next day so I easily made it to the passport office and was even able to go and have lunch with Martin and Charu... some of my beautiful friends from Eden Unplugged. Not kidding. What a great guy. Then my sweet, hilarious friend Jamie came and picked us up and kept us for a night and a day. She drove us all over, hooked us up with a lovely stay near the beach, took us to the beach, took us to Santa Monica, helped me shop (which I HATE) for a few cold climate clothing items and delivered us back to Mike and Michelle.
I won't tell you all the details about what precluded this adventure...some amazing and beautiful and some heartrending, soul wrenching, gut stomping. But I will say, it was a decision not made lightly or easily, despite how smoothly it has unfolded. I even had some amazing friends that donated money to me so we could afford our passports. My heart is full.
Anyway, Mike delivered us to the airport by 8:00am and we spent the day making our way through Canadian customs, airports, flights, layovers and landed in Montreal at just about midnight. We were picked up by the lovely and soulful Tera Warner (see www.terawarner.com) and her two fantastic kids Mika and Sebastian.
We have spent the last two weeks in their mountain home in Morin Heights, about an hour outside Montreal. The home we live in is beautiful. Right on a snowy icy lake in a quaint little mountain town. Tera runs several very successful internet businesses, is a single mom, and homeschools her kids. Needless to say, she was ready for me to roll up my sleeves, jump in and help in any way I could. I have done endless loads of laundry, juicing, composting, food preparation, petcare, helping her purchase her first car, cleaning, driving back and forth to Montreal, entertaining and disciplining kids, packing lunches, monitoring school work and computer time etc...whatever looked like it needed to be done, I was doing it. We have gotten to go into Montreal nearly everyday for one thing or another and I and proud to say I have done a freaking awesome job finding my way around a huge metropolitan french city. I have driven everywhere imaginable, just letting myself (and three kids) get lost and then find our way again. I got one fatty parking ticket for accidentally parking in a public transit lane when I took the kids to the Grande Bibliotheque, OOPS! And I've turned down one or two one way streets going the wrong way, but thankfully can report that all major crises have so far been averted.
Montreal is a huge, beautiful, artsy, bustling city. It is like NYC but classier, cleaner, friendlier and with a more European feel, oh yeah...and everything is in french (which partially explains how I didn't realize I parked in a public transit lane).
Tera has asked me to stay until the spring. I agreed and we decided Ezra and I needed our own place in the city. So along with all the above mentioned things I was doing. I also managed to find us a place to sublet for the next three months! I looked at multiple places until I found the one that was just right for us. It is in the plateau district, which is supposedly the best part of town to live in, if you are a creative. Which I finally realized in this life, I can claim!
So, we are subletting from an artist/yoga teacher that is going to Costa Rica for the winter...and she also happens to be a new EFT practitioner :). I will post pictures of this funky cool place we will be living as soon as we get settled in and write again soon about our adventures in Canadaland!

2010-05-02T13:42:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)-- Must Read!

2010-04-29T08:57:00.000-07:00

Nearly all the women I know are stressing themselves sick over the pathological fear that they simply aren't doing enough with their lives. Which is crazy—absolutely flat-out bananas—because the women I know do a lot, and they do it well. My cousin Sarah, for instance, is earning her master's degree in international relations, while simultaneously working for a nonprofit that builds playgrounds at woefully underfunded public schools. Kate is staying home and raising the two most enchanting children I've ever met—while also working on a cookbook. Donna is producing Hollywood blockbusters; Stacy is running a London bank; Polly just launched an artisanal bakery...

By all rights, every one of these clever, inventive women should be radiant with self-satisfaction. Instead, they twitch with near-constant doubt, somehow worrying that they are failing at life. Sarah worries that she should be traveling around the world instead of committing to a master's degree. Kate worries that she's wasting her education by staying home with her kids. Donna worries that she's endangering her marriage by working such long hours. Stacy worries that the capitalistic world of banking is murdering her creativity. Polly worries that her artisanal bakery might not be quite capitalistic enough. All of them worry that they need to lose 10 pounds.

It's terribly frustrating for me to witness this endless second-guessing. The problem is, I do it, too. Despite having written five books, I worry that I have not written the right kinds of books, or that perhaps I have dedicated too much of my life to writing, and have therefore neglected other aspects of my being. (Like, I could really stand to lose 10 pounds.)

So here's what I want to know: Can we lighten up a little?

As we head into this next decade, can we draft a joint resolution to drop the crazy-making expectation that we must all be perfect friends and perfect mothers and perfect workers and perfect lovers with perfect bodies who dedicate ourselves to charity and grow our own organic vegetables, at the same time that we run corporations and stand on our heads while playing the guitar with our feet?

When I look at my life and the lives of my female friends these days—with our dizzying number of opportunities and talents—I sometimes feel as though we are all mice in a giant experimental maze, scurrying around frantically, trying to find our way through. But maybe there's a good historical reason for all this overwhelming confusion. We don't have centuries of educated, autonomous female role models to imitate here (there were no women quite like us until very recently), so nobody has given us a map. As a result, we each race forth blindly into this new maze of limitless options. And the risks are steep. We make mistakes. We take sharp turns, hoping to stumble on an open path, only to bump into dead-end walls and have to back up and start all over again. We push mysterious levers, hoping to earn a reward, only to learn—whoops, that was a suffering button!

To make matters even more stressful, we constantly measure ourselves against each other's progress, which is a truly dreadful habit. My sister, Catherine, told me recently about a conversation she'd had with a sweet neighbor who—after watching Catherine spend an afternoon organizing a scavenger hunt for all the local kids—said sadly, "You're such a better mother than I will ever be." At which point, my sister grabbed her friend's hands and said, "Please. Let's not do this to each other, okay?"

No, seriously—please. Let's not.

Because it breaks my heart to know that so many amazing women are waking up at 3 o'clock in the morning and abusing themselves for not having gone to art school, or for not having learned to speak French, or for not having organized the neighborhood scavenger hunt. I fear that—if we continue this mad quest for perfection—we will all end up as stressed-out and jumpy as those stray cats who live in Dumpsters behind Chinese restaurants, forever scavenging for scraps of survival while pulling out their own hair in hypervigilant anxiety.

So let's drop it, maybe?
Let's just anticipate that we (all of us) will disappoint ourselves somehow in the decade to come. Go ahead and let it happen. Let somebody else be a better mother than you for one afternoon. Let somebody else go to art school. Let somebody else have a happy marriage, while you foolishly pick the wrong guy. (Hell, I've done it; it's survivable.) While you're at it, take the wrong job. Move to the wrong city. Lose your temper in front of the boss, quit training for that marathon, wolf down a truckload of cupcakes the day after you start your diet. Blow it all catastrophically, in fact, and then start over with good cheer. This is what we all must learn to do, for this is how maps get charted—by taking wrong turns that lead to surprising passageways that open into spectacularly unexpected new worlds. So just march on. Future generations will thank you—trust me—for showing the way, for beating brave new footpaths out of wonky old mistakes.

Fall flat on your face if you must, but please, for the sake of us all, do not stop.

Map your own life.

2010-04-19T11:10:00.001-07:00

Do not feel guilty. Forgive yourself for past ‘failures’ and choose to act

correctly next time. But avoid guilt, as it is one of the biggest destroyers of focus

and confidence. Do not dwell on the past. Forgive others also. You are not doing

them a favor when you forgive them – you are doing yourself the favor. They will

still have their cause and effect (karmic) debt for all their actions, whether you

forgive them or not. But when you forgive them, you release yourself from a

negative karmic cycle and release your energy for other positive things as well.

David Cameron

Quotes for the day

2010-04-08T10:39:00.000-07:00

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start

today and make a new ending.”

— Maria Robinson

"Real beauty isn't about symmetry or weight or makeup; it's about

looking life right in the face and seeing all its magnificence

reflected in your own." —Valerie Monroe, writer

"Every challenge offers the opportunity to think a new flavor of thought
and feel a new flavor of emotion. The more varied the flavors of life
you get to taste, the more interesting, layered, educated and
world-experienced you'll be."
— Karen Salmansohn

Love

2010-03-25T12:13:00.000-07:00

We should interpret all behavior in one of two ways:

1) as love

2) as a call for love

from A Course in Miracles

as quoted by Marianne Williamson in Everyday Grace

I am thinking about this. It is actually requiring me to think pretty deeply.

I have gotten some understanding of it when I am in my quietest moments, separated from my ego and connected to something much higher-- because my ego mind can easily think of lots of scenarios that it does not want to believe fit in either of these two categories.

How can I think of the guy who flips me off in traffic as someone who is acting in love, or asking for love?

The truth is, unless I am looking at him with spiritual eyes, I can't.

But when I am connected to my source-- I can almost see him flashing through my mind at 3 or 5 or17 or 22. I can all of the sudden see and know that he has been through some stuff. Things that may have hardened him in some ways. Things that made him feel protective of himself-- even to the point of violence maybe. I can also see him in kinder moments, maybe when he stopped to let someone cross in front of him, or picked up a child and held them, or pulled a sliver out of their finger.

And then almost in the same instant I can see me, yelling at someone, or being the "flipper offer." And then me, yielding to the need of someone else.

Then I can again appreciate that I am both. I am him and he is me. We are one. We are the grace and the shadow side of the grace all at once. He and I.

and so I return to a prayer that I once learned.

God, please forgive me for judging others for sinning differently than (or the same as) I do.

Bursting forth into the world

2010-03-23T12:59:00.000-07:00

I've split open the chrysalis and crawled out--

I felt my wings burst open this morning.

Am drying them gently in the sun and wind.

AGAIN, luck is a state of mind

2010-03-18T06:40:00.000-07:00

Lucky people create, notice and act upon the chance opportunities in their lives.

Being in the right place at the right time is all about being in the right state of mind."

Dr. Richard Wiseman

It bears repeating.

I know I talked about this just recently. But, I think it's important enough to do it again.

How do we get in the right state of mind? Part of it is about being aware of our thoughts and feelings. Bringing awareness to what is going on inside us. What our subconscious and our conscious mind are focused on. Our body is so willing to give us clues to those things. Our daily activities and an awareness of what is flowing in and out of our lives and what is stuck. All of it try's to show us and tell us.

We are totally responsible for everything that is happening in our lives. That may sound controversial. Say it out loud and see how it feels.

"I am totally responsible for everything that is happening in my life."

Even the things we don't like-- we have attracted and created so that we could experience the contrast and figure out how to learn the lesson from it.

That may be hard to believe. But sit with it for awhile. Consider the possibility that it could be true.

Our soul knows our dreams and our true potential. What we are here on this planet to do and be. And it attracts like a magnet, everything we need to move ourselves toward our highest good and the highest good of everyone else.

The hitch though, is that until we realize this, and learn how to work with ourselves instead of against ourselves, we don't know how to use the amazing powers and abilities that we have to live at our highest potential.

It is my vision to inspire and empower as many people as possible, starting with women-- who are the core nurturers of the world, with knowledge and information in this arena, so that they can live in peace, happiness and joy, at their highest potential.

The following are ways you get started right away if you want to go on this journey to find your authentic self and live your highest potential:

Eliminating fear and limiting beliefs through my favorite technique, EFT.

Meditation.

Prayer.

Focusing on Strong Moments.

Journaling or writing in a Daily Dialogue consistently.

Having a Gratitude Journal.

Stretching and doing physical activities like swimming, yoga, running, dancing.

Learning Body Talk or Body Dialogue.

Going on Creative Excursions.

TAKING GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF.

If you want to know your thoughts, feelings and beliefs...YOU MUST TAKE TIME TO LISTEN. You must take time to really get to know yourself and nurture your inner child as tenderly as you would your own child or someone you love deeply.

Think of a person in your life-- whom you would do ANYTHING for. Someone you love so deeply you would literally give your life for them. Why do you love them so? It's probably because somehow they have directed this same kind of love toward you. Somehow you know and feel that they see the highest good in you. They expect it from you and they honor it about you.

Now imagine this person is coming to visit (unless it's one of your own kids and they already live at home, in which case just imagine that they are about to be born). In either scenario, you are washing the sheets, folding linens for them, making sure you have just the right food. Maybe a special dessert or their favorite meal. You are cleaning the house. You are spraying your favorite linen water on their pillow. When they arrive you embrace them. You are making sure everything is just right for them. You want them to feel special. You want them to enjoy their stay with you. You might even set out a magazine and some towels and special soap for them. You might vacuum and clean in places you normally don't. You want everything just right.

Now.

Imagine if you took care of yourself with this same kind of love and tenderness each and everyday. It might not always be about the perfect meal, though sometimes it might be just that. How are you nurturing and caring for yourself each day?

I challenge you to start taking one new step in that direction today.

Close your eyes- and ask yourself--and then be quiet and listen until you get an answer. "What is one thing that I can do to take good care of myself today?"

(Do you have limiting beliefs or feelings that come up to stop you from taking care of yourself. Do you believe that it is selfish to take care of yourself? Have you watched your role models or absorbed societal messages that tell you to martyr yourself? If so you will resist selfcare and sabotage it. Look for clues in your life to show you your beliefs about this topic.)

Ok. Now make a commitment to do it and follow through--even if you don't feel comfortable doing it or don't think you can justify it.

This is not about being selfish and self-centered. If you don't take care of yourself who else will? And how will you be able to take really good care of others, and teach them how to do that for themselves-- if you can't/won't do it for yourself?

I love you.

Now go do it!

P.S. Please send a link to this post to anyone you know that might benefit from it.

xoxo

The Energy/ Vibration Conversation: Please Join In

2010-03-16T13:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I talked about ways to raise our energetic vibration.

What is all this mumbo jumbo about energy and vibration? Does it sound hoaky and new agey-- woo woo to you?

I used to be very skeptical. Until I learned about EFT (which I have mentioned several times before). This technique, at the forefront in the rapidly growing field of energy psychology, is the single best and most affordable, accessible to the public technique I have ever seen or personally experienced in all my years studying and seeking out ways to heal the body and mind.

I am including an article written by the founder of the technique, Gary Craig. His explanation of EFT helps to highlight scientific evidence that we are in fact made up of energy, and that we can actually effect our energetic vibration.

EFT should have been discovered 50 years ago and should be as common today as aspirin. Yet, despite its unmistakable clinical results, it still meets with resistance from certain scientists and from others who cling to conventional methods.

I don't know about you but I learned in my high school chemistry class in 1958 that the building blocks of ALL matter (including human bodies) are ATOMS. This was hardly new....even at the time. No one disputes this fact. Nor does anyone dispute that atoms are made of ENERGY.

Einstein further emphasized this point with his Theory of Relativity wherein he developed the famous formula....

Energy = Mass times the speed of light squared

In simple terms this means that physical matter (including the human body) is MADE OF ENERGY. Thus, even though the human body may appear to be solid, its foundation is made of energy.

This simple fact is one of the most universally agreed upon findings in the scientific world. To my knowledge, not one scientist anywhere disagrees with it. It's acceptability ranks right up there with the laws of gravity.

However, for reasons known only to the cosmos, the Western healing sciences have....

ignored it.

How short-sighted! Instead, they continue to regard the human body as a physical entity and thus walk right by its energy roots. They treat the body as a....

bag filled with body parts and chemicals.

Thus their methods involve the repair and replacement of body parts (surgery) and the "correction" of body chemistry by other chemicals (drugs).

Many useful things have come from this conventional approach so I'm not knocking it. In fact, I'm very glad it is around and I respect those diligent scientists and healing practitioners that have used this approach. If I had a burst appendix, for example, I would enthusiastically volunteer myself for the surgeon's table.

However, for the Western healing sciences to ignore the well established fact that the body, at its core, is made of energy is like wearing glasses that only permit vision up to 10 feet. EFT'ers are offering these conventional folks a pair of longer range glasses and, gradually, the skeptics are trying them on. Those among them that have "seen" cannot unsee and thus are adding to the snowball of education that is bringing these procedures to the public.

Anyone who has been around the competent use of EFT for even a few weeks has surely seen many instances where dramatic progress has been made on both the physical and emotional levels WITHOUT ANY CONVENTIONAL METHODS BEING USED. Many of these results completely violate the beliefs inherent in the Western healing sciences. For example, how is it possible, under conventional Western definitions....

For Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to fade completely without psychiatric drugs?

For many lifelong phobias to vanish in what we call "one minute wonders?

For addictive cravings to be quenched in moments?

For Carpal Tunnel Syndrome to disappear without the normally prescribed surgery?

For Lactose Intolerance to vanish even though the patient is not supposed to have the enzymes necessary to digest milk products?

For migraine headaches to fade (often permanently and often in moments) without any form of drugs whatsoever?

Yet EFT'ers perform these "miracles" daily....as well as hundreds more. Our web site is full of such evidence. Western healing practitioners are hard pressed to explain these results except to use a "placebo" or a "spontaneous remission" or a "mind over matter" explanation. They cannot be explained through the current paradigm. Accordingly, what is needed is another way to look at the human body...another paradigm. The conventional explanations obviously need help.

And what more logical choice is there than to follow Albert Einstein and the most fundamental scientific findings of the last century. Why don't scientists view the body as an energy configuration and see where that leads? EFT'ers have been doing this for years and the clinical evidence is mountainous. It is pointing to the obvious and the results are often jaw dropping....even when performed by lay citizens.

I do not mean by this article to forsake the many conventional findings that have brought us unmistakable healing benefits. Rather, I'm suggesting that we unlock the doors to the obvious and blend EFT with the best of our other healing achievements. The results should take healing to an entirely new (and affordable) level.

So I ask the scientific community and the conventional doubters out there to investigate the obvious. We are not perfect here in EFT Land and I'm sure someday our theories will be revised. That is how science progresses. But, for now, we are performing daily miracles that are destroying the conventional lists of "can's" and "cannot's."

If you are interested in learning more about EFT, or about understanding your own vibration and what you are creating/ attracting into your life,whether you know it or not--feel free to contact me for more in depth guidance. I will be talking more about these concepts in future blog posts as well.

This is Bliss. Bliss is NOW.

2010-03-15T13:18:00.000-07:00

The following is an excerpt from an article by Marcus Buckingham entitled:
What the Happiest and Most Successful Women Do Differently
Focus on Moments, More Than Goals, Plans or Dreams
Certain moments in your life create in you strongly positive emotions—let's call these "strong-moments." Not all moments are strong-moments—some moments spark negative emotions, while some don't spark any emotions at all. But when you do experience a strong-moment, it is authentic. It is true, in the sense that the emotions you feel are true. You may not know exactly what you should do with your emotions, or what label you should give each emotion, but you know how a specific moment made you feel. You know this more certainly than you know virtually anything else in your life.

It could be that moment yesterday when, as you again sat hunched over the year-end results, you found a revealing pattern in the financial report you were reading; or the snuggling of your grandson into the crook of your shoulder as you read him the last chapter in The Magic Tree House book, or that glorious sentence you wrote last night on your blog, or the way you managed to calm down your colleague after your boss changed everyone's schedule.

Whatever you are picturing, it will be a vivid, detailed moment, and as you think about it now, you feel yourself change. You are sitting up a little straighter than you were even a minute ago. Your shoulders are back. You've slowed down your breathing just a hair. Perhaps you are smiling. This moment, and the emotions you feel as you relive it in your mind, is you, in truth.

When you commit your life to being true to yourself, you are not committing to some far-flung destiny, some grand dream or some disembodied list of values, no matter how worthy. Instead, you are committing to the truth embodied in this strong-moment, the truth that this specific moment, for no rational reason, energizes you.

I have many strong-moments that I have filed away to draw upon.

My favorite one right now that I use to shift my energetic vibration:

The other morning I was getting in the shower. Ezra came in and started taking off his pajama's and diaper and making indications that he would like to get in the tub. I was feeling rushed. But thankfully my intuition pushed me in the right direction. I let go of my agenda and scooped him up into the shower with me. He quickly realized showers are not nearly as cool as bath's and got very upset about the water pelting him from above. I had not other option but to pick him up and wash myself one-handed-- no small feat! But as I was finishing up I decided to sit down and turn the water to bath mode and just sit Indian style and use my hands to push the water up onto my legs and Ezra's back. I know of no truer more simple joy I have ever felt in my life than that one. Ezra facing me, arms wrapped around the top of my shoulders, head resting on my heart,breathing softly in and out, water droplets on his long eyelashes-- skin to skin. He held perfectly still and seemed to be listening to my heart beat for a good long moment. I said a silent prayer of thank you. Thank you for this moment of pure bliss. This moment that makes every other moment disappear, and that makes me know nothing else really matters but this right now.

What is so amazing is that all I have to do is close my eyes and put myself back there. I make it as real as I can. I imagine the water, the colors in the room, the sound of his breathing, the warm water-- and my whole vibration changes. FOR THE MIND-- It's as if it is happening all over again-- it does not know or care the difference.

That is the essence of following our bliss-- and the power of Now.

Tune in tomorrow for further discussion about why our energetic vibration matters.

Left Handing it

2010-03-12T12:09:00.000-08:00

The other day while I was sitting in my conference, I was listening to very inspiring people who have accomplished many of their own dreams. And it popped into my mind when I heard Bob Doyle (click here to learn about him) say that his main hope for each of us would be to learn to be who we authentically are without apology. To be who we want to be and emulate what we are about in confidence.

In that moment it came into my mind clearly-- I could see myself creating paintings and pictures that represent my journey of growth and transformation. I thought to myself and wrote down these exact words:

"I want to be an artist. I want to paint my experiences into moving, profoundly emotional art-combined with poem."

Truthfully I have some very major blocks to this. But it came from inside me and I choose to honor that.

About an hour later we were doing an exercise and we were asked to take our dominant hand and tap on our heart-- at the pace of a heart beat-- and focus on asking ourself a specific question. I was surprised and curious to find myself automatically tapping with my left hand. It was a curious thing for me and after the presentation I went and asked the presenter (Jennifer Mclean) if that meant anything significant. She stated that she felt encouraged to tell me that I should begin drawing, writing, and painting with my left hand. That I should consider the possibility that I am ambidextrous. For some reason this made me start to cry. Through an amazing process called Body Dialogue, and the use of EFT (click here) (or here) (or here), I was able to discover that I have actually been neglecting the use of the left side of my body in many ways for many years, and in effect being very closed off to the the functions of my right brain.

So I have begun writing and drawing with my left hand, and brushing teeth, and tapping, and opening lids etc... It's interesting how it makes me so much more aware of my body and my mind. It's difficult. I feel like a little kid again trying to learn to master something, like riding a bike. And I can't tell you how excited I am to see what happens as I begin integrating both sides of my body and mind. I am a little nervous for how it might change me or make me feel different, and I am excited about how it may impact my creativity and my life in general. Through procedures mentioned earlier I discovered that I decided at a very young age that it was not safe to be whole and integrated. It is now OK for me to be whole.

So I have the paint. I have a few canvasses. I am brave enough to try writing and drawing as a lefty. But I am scared to paint-right OR left handed . I am going to do it anyway. Like my friend Kim said, I am bigger than my fear!

So wish me luck.

Keep your suffering to yourself

2010-03-10T19:46:00.000-08:00

I listened to an interview done with Caroline Myss yesterday. She is a spiritual teacher, educator and medical intuitive/healer. I just found out about her this last weekend. The following are the notes I took from an exclusive interview with an LA radio talk-show host. Her thoughts were very helpful to me so I thought I'd paraphrase them and put them out there. If you like her ideas you can find more at www.myss.com

"It's in the putting off of what you need to do for yourself that you start becoming energetically congested. That leads to building up a sense of self-hatred. And then we take that out on others.

Why does your bad childhood or your bad day give you permission to take it out on anyone else? Why should your bad day at work entitle you to come home and scream at someone who had nothing to do with that.

"Keep your suffering to yourself. It has nothing to do with anybody else." (note this does not mean deny your suffering-- it means deal with it without taking it out on others)

Find a way to let that go through your soul. In society today, it is a commonly held belief that "If I've suffered I'm entitled to something." And really we are not.

In any given moment you are choosing to live with grace and love-- or not. That looks like understanding. "God give me the fortitude to reach with the highest potential of my heart."

Love has many faces. We either come from this place or we don't.

Our greatest pain is not what others have done to us but what we want to do to others who have hurt us. The true suffering is not that they have hurt us, but that we are sitting around trying to figure out how to hurt them without even realizing it.

My favorite concept was that of Graces and their shadow sides. One of the graces is piety or humility (Pietas in traditional Latin usage expressed a complex, highly valued Roman virtue; a man with pietas respected his responsibilities to other people, gods and entities (such as the state), and understood his place in society with respect to others). The shadow side of piety is avarice (or greed). Avarice literally means to crave--excessive or insatiable desire. Greed can be seen not just in terms of money or wealth but in wanting recognition, attention etc... We can be greedy about wanting what we want --whatever it might be--and withholding from others --(even in tiny ways such as refusing to say good morning or withholding a compliment). None of us are all one or all the other. We are both.

In my own life, today I am looking at ways that I am greedy. One for sure is in the need for attention. I have always felt like I just could not get enough. I am not judging myself for this. Nor am I blaming my parents or my childhood. I think I understand why I have been this way. The truth though, at this point is that it does not matter to me anymore how I came to be this way. What matters is that I can look at it now, without hating myself for it. I can look at it with my eyes wide open- almost standing outside myself as an observer. And if I am brave enough to see it, I can now work on letting that need go. I can begin to see how it plays out in my relationships with others and how it has caused me to begrudge, overshadow or withhold from others-- or feel unsatisfied if I was not getting enough attention. It's time to cultivate the grace-- piet, and to begin to let go of the shadow. The shadow which says that I can't get enough attention, and that if others are getting it, there is not enough for me.

I am now willing to pay attention to myself. To give myself what I need. To listen to my body and my spirit and feed it. I am ready to give more genuine attention to others instead of being so focused on myself. There is enough. We are all connected. There is no competition in the spiritual realm.

Thanks for exploring this deeply vulnerable self-awareness with me.

And I promised to share one of my dreams. I want to learn to paint. I don't know if I can do it. I am scared. I think it has to be perfect or I don't even want to try. But I am going to try anyway.

I will tell you more about how I discovered this dream and about what it really means in my life right now tomorrow.

xoxo

Dream It, Believe It, Be It

2010-03-10T12:12:00.000-08:00

I came across this article today by a woman called Sandra Magsamen.

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Dream-It-Believe-It-Be-It

I have to share this article because it is where my heart is.

Tomorrow I will share one of my dreams with you. For today I just want us all to be inspired in realizing that our dreams are messages from our soul about living up to our own true potential, and giving our gifts to the world. They are not inside us to make us feel sad, bad or deprived. If you have a habit of telling yourself "That could never happen for me" or "It can happen for other's, but not for me" or "It's just not realistic" please stop doing that to yourself. Please.

If you find that your dreams actually make you feel anxiety or a feeling of lack or deprivation-- YOU ARE LISTENING TO THE WRONG VOICE.

If you find that when other's are getting what they want in their lives and you feel jealous or begrudging toward them, it's your soul trying to tell you to stop denying yourself. Stop blocking yourself from being happy for others and start opening yourself to how you can create what you want in your life. This is the lesson I am learning.

So you get to learn it along with me if you are up for the journey.

Ok. Enough of my rant. Here is the article. I hope it will be food for thought.

and I'd love to hear about any impact it has for you, or any action steps you take as a result of reading this.

xoxo

Sadly, too often, we hear phrases that call for us to get our heads out of the clouds and come down to earth and that ask us to stop dreaming dreams because they will never come true.

Sometimes these voices come from others, and sometimes they come from ourselves. For far too long we have underestimated the power and possibility that life is the act of dreaming what can be and that we all have to do the work it takes to make our dreams a reality.

Each human being is a gift, and we each have our own unique dream and purpose for living. We each must mine our imaginations, creativity and souls to uncover our true purposes and passions.

Our dreams are magic, and if respected, nurtured and honored, they ultimately bring an abundance of meaning and purpose to our lives. Dreams guide us as we reach for the stars, follow our heart's desire and do the things we are passionate about. Dreams help weave the fabric of who we are, and they reveal what matters most to us. They allow our spirits to shine, and they reflect our uniqueness and authenticity.

Although we sometimes hear the call to put our dreams aside, louder, clearer and more powerful voices remind and connect us to the truth, beauty and wealth of our dreams.

Throughout history, poets, songwriters, novelists, politicians, social activists, countries, companies, presidents, moms, dads and people just like you have expressed the importance of the act of dreaming and of reaching toward those dreams. These voices also inspire and remind us that there is a common thread that connects one heart to another. That thread is the belief and optimism in a brighter future when we embrace and pursue our dreams.

When we look around, we see others who have embraced their dreams, and we admire them. We see the great changes that can come from one person's commitment, perseverance and belief in her dream. We see the power of dreams manifested around us in our neighborhoods, churches, communities, states, the country and the world.

We, too, want to make our own dreams come true. We all want to connect, to speak from our hearts. We yearn to create dreams as well as things and moments that make our lives worthwhile. We want to convey what words alone cannot as we accomplish our dreams.

Yet, not enough of us even acknowledge the desire to create the lives we imagine or try to make our dreams come true. Too often we diminish the importance of our dreams by saying, "I'll get to it later" or "It can wait." Our inner critic can be heard saying, "I'll never get it accomplished," "My dream doesn't really matter" or "I probably can't do it any way, and people will think it's silly."

The truth is, we all need more opportunities to dream, to imagine and to play. We long to feel the sensation of being lost in a moment of joy. To laugh, discover, experiment, invent, feel accomplished and live in the moment.

Dreaming is the way we define what matters to us and what we wish to accomplish and do in the world with this one life.

There comes a day when each of us has to decide that today is the day we are going to put our fears and excuses aside, follow our heart's desire and pursue our dreams.

Let today be that day for you. Get started by taking these ideas to heart:

Today is the day to heed and acknowledge the importance of your dreams.

Today is the day to declare that you can and will create the life you imagine.
Today is the day to stop diminishing your dreams and start believing in them.
Today is the day to stop putting your dreams aside and stop asking them to wait.
Today is the day to shut your inner critic up and instead of saying, "No, I can't," say, "Yes, I can!"
Today, nurture and support yourself.
Today, you are teacher and a student.
Today and every day is your day.
Today is the day you let your dreams take flight.

Our dreams come in all sizes and shapes.

Whether it is a dream

to hear the voice of a long lost friend
to make holiday cards by hand
to learn to bake a cake that people can't get enough of
to sing or play the cello
to get an education
to climb a mountain
to help another human being
to start a business
to paint a picture
to find the love of your life
to teach English in a remote village in India
to take a trip to Spain
to be closer to a sister
to walk in the sand at the beach
to be a doctor

Some dreams are small but touch lives in a big way; others are big and touch a small group of people in a remote area of the world. But all dreams are important.

We made it back home.

2010-03-02T21:14:00.000-08:00

I LOVE These faces.

We are back home. Ezra could not be happier to have returned to the land and life he knows. He was ecstatic. He loved New York. He loved the subways and buses and diesels trucks. He loved the hum and bustle. He waved at everyone, made lots of new friends. Inspired me in his openness and wonder. And was happy to return home to his own bed.

I experienced things that will change my life forever. I am trying to think about how I can share them.

For now

please...watch this video. Please.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3zJm98UXzQ

Joy Luck

2010-03-02T06:16:00.000-08:00

In my study this morning I came across a link on Oprah.com to an article about how to get lucky. What I learned was actually very exciting to me. Exciting enough to share.

Luck is usually defined as an unpredictable phenomenon that leads to good or bad outcomes. But after years of experiments, Richard Wiseman, a psychology professor at the University of Hertfordshire in England ,disagrees. "Luck is not a magical ability or a gift from the gods, instead, it is a way of thinking and behaving." He insists that we have far more control over the element—and outcome—of chance in our lives than we realize. In fact, he argues that only 10 percent of life is truly random. The remaining 90 percent is "actually defined by the way you think."

"Lucky people create, notice, and act upon the chance opportunities in their lives, If luck means being in the right place at the right time, being in the right place at the right time is actually all about being in the right state of mind." Richard Wiseman

His number one tip for improving your life and influencing your own destiny? SMILE.

If this concept intrigues you click here.

I am really excited about this information. I plan to start a one month experiment today to see what I find out for myself about luck being a prepared state of mind.

As I said yesterday, I have recently been trying to see myself more accurately Through the use of EFT (click here to learn more) I have discovered that I generally believe that if anything can go wrong it will. I have been aware of this for several months and while I now see how that shows up in my life, and I have worked on it a little bit, I have not really taken any truly focused steps to alter this way of believing.

So the purposeful journey of becoming fortunate begins for me. I'll let you know how my experiment goes. Just a hint though as to how timely this reading has been for me:

Ultimately, Wiseman believes, the bigger your circle of acquaintances, the more opportunities you have. A typical person knows about 300 people on a first-name basis. So if you go to a party and meet someone new, he explains, you're "only two handshakes away from 300 times 300 people; that's 90,000 new possibilities for a new opportunity, just by saying hello." By the same logic, if you meet 50 new people at a conference, you're just a couple of introductions away from 4.5 million opportunities to change your life.

I leave tomorrow for a conference with 75 participants!

2010-03-01T07:25:00.000-08:00

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar."

"Every thought you produce, anything you say, any action you do, it bears your signature."

Thich Nhat Hanh

When I read those two quotes this morning I felt it in my gut. Sometimes I loose my cool. Especially lately. I feel so much fear about the unknown. About my own capacities. I go through the day trying to be good, kind, productive, efficient, effective, appropriate, excellent. In this process of trying to change and live more of my potential, I am so overwhelmed sometimes I take it out on those who are always there for me. I do and say (and even yell and scream sometimes) things I would never want to sign my name to. UUGH.

That's the truth though.

Last night I wrote in my daily dialogue that I want to see more of my darkest places. I want light shone on them. I want to be brave and look at them. So this morning in the early light of morning, there it was. Illumination into the darkest corners of me.

I choose to be conscious of my words and actions today, especially around those that are closest to me. I ask for the ability to maintain that consciousness. I choose to be aware of what I am signing my name to today. If I find myself in some way signing off on something my true self would never sign. I will correct it immediately.

By the way. I spent my morning routine in my sacred space and it was truly magical. I can't believe I have been missing out on this all this time!

Creating a Sacred Space

2010-02-28T09:00:00.000-08:00

Today my reading was about creating a sacred space. I decided to share this one because I think it is so important. This is a space to celebrate, concentrate and consecrate our inner work. It can be small or large. It can just mean carving out a certain space of time each day. But I am starting to understand how an actual physical location can be so valuable. It's funny because I created a sacred space to nurture other women (and men and children too-- but especially women) through my studio. But I never use that space just for me. Several times I have had the thought to go in there to do my morning and evening routines, but I have never actually done it. I asked myself why today and the answer came simply in a feeling of resistance. Why do I resist using that space to nurture myself? The truth is, I am still learning to give myself permission to really and truly shut everything else out but myself, and totally take care of me. I am scared to do it. I avoid it. I have put my toes in the water, even waded in mid calf or thigh. But I won't jump. I won't let myself dive in and float up on my back and actually envelop myself in my own sacred space, truly connected to my authentic self. Doing my inner work and totally tuning everything else out seems like it's not ok. It's ok to steel away a few minutes, as long as I am still available to the outside world. In case the phone rings, the baby crys, the doorbell rings. Someone might need me. Or I might miss something.

Sarah Ban Breathnach says it doesn't have to be a whole room. it can be a small cranny or nook, a table or bench. If you have limited space, open yourself to discovering how you can create this kind of space with what you have available. Make it beautiful. Fill it with sounds, smells, pictures, flowers, fabric, colors--whatever inspires and brings you joy.

She says of her space, "Love created this space for me once I became open to allowing it in my life. The objects displayed on the table represent all that I love and for which I am grateful."

"In order to stay easily and happily creative, we need to stay spiritually centered. This is easier to do if we allow ourselves centering rituals. It is important that we devise these ourselves from elements that feel holy and happy to us." Julia Cameron

This week I will be travelling again. I am ecstatic about a seminar I will be attending in New Jersey. But I have two days left. I promise myself I will add a few sacred, inspiring, hope filled, items to my sacred room. I will make it a little more nurturing and inspiring to me. And I will allow myself to enter it alone, consecrate it and find my own safety in that space. I will take the plunge.

I'll give you a tour when I get back from my trip.

Id love to hear about it, if a sacred space opens up for you in your life.

Just Do It Now

2010-02-25T21:21:00.000-08:00

This last weekend I put on a retreat for 4 single adults. I called it the "Live your Best Life" Single's Retreat. It was awesome! I have been doing retreats for affluent families in a very specific process and setting for several years and have recently decided to branch out. This was my first try at it. I didn't know what to expect or if the participants would be happy with the outcome so I felt nervous and stressed about it. But when it came time to start, I knew just what to do. It felt really natural and I completely enjoyed sharing information, inspiration, ideas, education etc... with this group of people. I enjoyed teaching them and providing resources and tools for them to help them better their own lives, as well as sharing things I have been learning on my own journey. I also loved making the atmosphere and food and putting in the special touches to make it nurturing and special for them.

It was so cool to do what I love, to earn money doing it, and to push myself to go out on a limb and stretch my own limits personally and professionally.

What is something you have always wanted to do/become but were too afraid to actually make it happen? You might be amazed if you follow your heart, how it can open doors for you and others, in ways you could never have imagined. Come on-- just go for it! What do you have to loose?

Apology

2010-02-24T09:28:00.000-08:00

I said I would be back Monday and it's already Wednesday. No excuses. I didn't keep my word and I am sorry for that.

I recently took the Integrity Pledge which goes as follows:

“If you make a commitment, honor it.

If you make a promise, keep it.

If you set a goal, achieve it.”

This may be something you have already mastered in your life. I have not. I have always considered myself to be a person who strives to live with integrity. But as I have been doing a lot of self-exploration and personal development, and as I have been examining my life with a magnifying glass, I have found a lot of ways in which I fall short.

It's hard to look at and change. It's uncomfortable. It causes me to feel guilty and inadequate sometimes. Which then gives me the chance to offer myself love and kindness and acceptance, along with a gentle push toward improvement. I can already see how even trying to improve has made a big difference in my life. So, I'm looking at it. Working on it. Experiencing growing pains. Feel free to call me on it if you see where I fall short...But please be kind. ;)

And as for our adventures? I promised to tell you about them. So stay tuned for tomorrow.

I'm going on a trip

2010-02-18T22:15:00.000-08:00

I'll be gone for the weekend and won't be able to blog. I'll be back Monday with lots to share about my adventures.

Thought for the day:

" Solid success stands on top of the mountain of failures that’s built only by a person who doesn't understand the meaning of give up."
Written in 2009 by Johni Pangalila --- Australia

I Love 2010!

2010-02-17T22:09:00.000-08:00

This year I set some really amazing goals.

Setting these goals and moving in their direction has SHOVED me out of my comfort zone mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally... and it has opened up whole new worlds of thought and experience to me.

Many times it has felt exciting, exhilarating, energizing.

To be honest it is SCARY as hell sometimes too. Pushing my own limits, exploring my borders and boundaries-- forces me to hit zones and regions of myself I haven't hit before. To see things that are hard to look at, as well as things that are really amazing too.

Some days--some moments it feels heavy. Overwhelming. Discouraging. Sometimes I wonder if my goals and dreams are even possible. Other times I feel like I could literally fly--and I feel so empowered.

It's definitely a ride.

So my reading for today was particularly comforting...

"...you have embarked on an adventure as exciting as that of any explorer. Uncovering the source of the Nile or charting the course of the Amazon are outward parallels to the inner journey you are on today--a safari of the self and the spirit.

In Africa, to go on Safari--the Swahili word for journey-- is to leave the comfort and safety of civilization to venture in to the wilderness. Each time you listen to the woman [or man] within--your authentic self-- you do the same. Remind yourself of this often. " You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition," Alan Alda advises the inner explorer in you. "What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover will be yourself."

My time in Texas fit into this description. I literally went into the wilderness. I left everything I knew behind. I survived without many of the things we take for granted in the first world. It was a truly amazing journey. And I believe it set the stage for the journey I am on now. It showed me an inner strength I didn't really know I had. It taught me a lot about the difference between wants and needs. To let go of everything and still survive and then come back to standard civilization and bring with me the lessons of that time and place was something I will never regret.

This journey though. millions of times scarier. It feels so much riskier to me. I can do tents and chiggers and mold and rain and heat and humidity and poop in a bucket and shower outside. Honestly, compared to this self excavation-- piece of cake.

But I wouldn't have it any other way. I know deep inside it will be well worth the risk.

So here's to scary safari's.

Bring. It. On.

Thanks

2010-02-16T21:57:00.000-08:00

Do you have a gratitude journal? I started one at the behest of Simple Abundance Author Sarah Ban Breathnach. I write in it every night as part of my nighttime routine. Here is an entry from February 13th.

1. Slumber party with my sister and nieces

2. Kodiak Cakes in my new waffle maker

3.Gary Ryan Blair's 100 day challenge and his call to honor and integrity

4. That I am brave

5. Thriving Now website grounding exercises

6. My purple tulips in my orange fiesta pitcher

7. Dad taking the kids for a walk today so I could have quiet time hanging with Heather

8. Quiet time in the house for napping

9. Weleda Calendula Bath products at wholesale prices!

10. That I am learning to be a prosperous spender :) (see free e book download of Attract Money Now by Joe Vitale)

I bought a really beautifully crafted little book to use for my gratitude journal. I really do it everyday and I am so happy that I am making this part of my daily life. If you don't have one already, go buy a pretty notebook that you really like and start writing about what you are greatful for. It will change your life! I promise.

Have you ever had a massage?

2010-02-15T17:09:00.000-08:00

If you haven't you should get one. Don't say you can't afford it. Don't say you don't have time. Just find someone that charges reasonable prices and go get one. You are worth it.

We store things in our bodies. We deal with and process things THROUGH our bodies. And when we allow ourselves to be connected with the healing power of the human touch...we are telling ourselves we are important. We matter, It's ok to take good care of ourselves and be connected to our physical bodies in ways that teach us about ourselves.

Once when I got a massage, the therapist started working on my "wings"-- the shoulder blade area and I just started crying and didn't even know why. She told me that pain and tension in that area comes from carrying the weight of the world on yourself and feeling like life is a burden.

When she said it, I felt the truth of it. I did feel that way but was so disconnected from myself I really wasn't aware of it. It felt good to cry, let it out and then be aware of it so I could find ways to work on it. There are lots of resources on the web for connecting our physical problems with their underlying emotional causes.

Another example; Yeast problems. Used to be the plague of my life. The underlying emotional connection: Denying yourself of your own needs. Not supporting self. Oh yeah that was me. I was happy to do it for other people and wanted other people to do it for me, but had no idea how to do that for myself. The good news is everyday is fresh and I can start today!

If you still aren't convinced about getting a massage. I hope you will at least find some way to be more connected to your mind/body/spirit, and do something loving and nurturing for yourself.

Ta-Da

2010-02-14T22:15:00.000-08:00

Pictures coming soon. The whitewash over the sailor blue made the perfect effect! Especially with the adorable pillows I found on sale. Pictures coming soon. What I learned from this? Being open to the creative process means not having to be rigid and stick to a predetermined vision-- but rather have an idea in mind, listen to yourself, try it, and then stay open until you get where you want to go. The whole thing is an organic journey...

xoxo

Hmmm...

2010-02-13T21:51:00.000-08:00

Remember the blue color I bought for my chairs? Well tonight I finally got to painting the color onto the chair. And I don't love it. So that made me really think. Since I loved it when I bought it. And was so happy and proud of myself. I was surprised. I hauled the chairs back into the studio and the color just didn't go with the other colors in the room. It didn't create the feeling and atmosphere I wanted it to.

But every obstacle is a hidden opportunity and I am learning to trust my instincts so I opened myself up to this quandry and a few cool things happened. One: I went with a suggestion from my sister and put the leftover color on the little table in the room and on the table-- it is perfect, and I do love it. As for the chairs, tomorrow I am going to put a light white sheer over the top of it, see if it tones it down...maybe then I will love it! Even if I don't, I am allowing myself to be creative again and find creative outlets, and painting is therapeutic and calming. It's almost like meditation. I can try another color if this one doesn't work. Really? It's ok to "make a mistake"? Hmmm...

Little me

2010-02-12T23:35:00.000-08:00

Last night some painful childhood memories came up. Then this morning my daily reading was about thinking back to childhood- to the time when we still trusted our instincts and our own thoughts, when we didn't second and third guess ourselves and make decisions based on what our mom or our sister or our friend thought, but by our own stars. Then I did the 7 minute meditation and as I was doing it I connected in my minds eye with the little 3 year old me. She sat right on the couch next to me and I reached out and held her hand (she didn't flip me off but that picture made me laugh so hard I had to include it). I looked at her as an observer but also as a mother. I thought of her like I do my own son and I just wanted to scoop her up and hold her and kiss her head and tell her how remarkable she was/is. Then I saw her as an awkward adolescent and I just imagined myself sitting with her and letting her ramble and tell me all her deepest secrets and truest thoughts and feelings and I visualized giving her lots of love and acceptance and smiling at her and hugging her and telling her jokes to lighten up her life. Then I saw myself in college and grad school at times when I felt so alone and so unsafe. I visualized myself being a friend to that girl. Sitting on her bed next to her and playing with her hair and laughing with her, crying with her. Somehow in this spiritual way I was able to give things to myself that I needed in the past but wasn't able to give myself then. Basically love and acceptance. It felt so good. It may sound whacky to some of you. But it was healing goodness for me. I choose to trust my own instincts. I choose to be bold and brave about who I am and what I think and feel and believe and about my life choices. Sometimes I care too much about what other people think, or what they might be thinking, or what I think they are thinking-- when I don't even really know. Sometimes they tell me what they are thinking and then I start to question myself and my own thoughts and opinions. I am going to stop doing that. There is no one else on the planet who knows what is best for me, and what is best for Ezra, better than I do. I may make mistakes but really I'm the best man for the job-- as they say. I choose to continue to learn to connect more and more with my authentic self, and to allow myself and others to see and know her.

Please do this meditation

2010-02-12T08:22:00.000-08:00

the three ages of woman

gustav klimt

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Consciousness-Cleanse-Day-20-The-Light-of-Compassion

It takes 7 minutes. When your babies are napping. When your lover is gone. When you can steal away 7 minutes just for you, please take the moments to do this. I'll be back tonight to share on how this meditation and my daily reading were so connected today and how they guided me this day.

I promise to be boldly compassionate today.

I figured it out

2010-02-11T22:51:00.000-08:00

Tonight I had two opportunities to make a difference for someone in inspired ways that felt good-- and I figured out who I wanted to send my email to.

I'll start with my email. I sat and thought for a long time about who I might send an email to and express how they have made a difference in my life. When the right person came into my mind I knew instantly. I opened up a fresh email and just started writing. I started thinking about how this person has been there for me in some really traumatic moments and how inspiring she is to me in the way she lives her life and shares her passion and truth. It felt good to share with her. To not hold that kind of expression back and keep it all to myself. It would be easy for me to be jealous of her because she is so cool. It would be tempting (and has been sometimes in the past not just with her but with many people) to compare myself and then minimize the things I like about her because they could make me feel less and smaller and inadequate and like I could never be as cool. This is something I have struggled with many times in my life and often given into. But thankfully, tonight there was none of that. There was genuine love, appreciation and gratitude, and a sense of joy in giving my compliments freely, and expressing genuine gratitude and love, without holding back or comparing.

Now for my two people.

The first one turned out to be my son. I have been working so hard on changing our life, trying to create a better life for us, on following my dreams and passions, and on trying to learn everything I can, that I have unwittingly put Ezra on the back burner. I am ashamed to admit it. I have felt guilt and regret and embarrassment about it. But last night when I was planning my most important tasks for today it came into my mind that Ezra needs more time and intentional attention from me. So I decided I would do two things for him. One-- take him for a walk today and two-- make sure he gets some vegetables since I have been slacking of on making sure he gets proper balanced nutrition. I used to be so good about that. Lately it has been a challenge to make sure he gets enough fruits and veggies and not just do the easy quick things I know he will eat. Anyway, I took him out to eat and after we ate I decided to let him run in the mall. I have never let him do that before but I felt inspired to take him where it's warm and there is plenty of room to run and explore. It was so cool because people were setting up for an antique show there this weekend and there was a whole store dedicated to old john dear tractors. They let him actually sit on one and "drive" it. HE WAS IN HEAVEN. He played on that thing for 20 minutes. Pulling all the knobs and buttons and steering it. He actually threw a fit when it was time to leave. I think he would have been perfectly happy to sleep on it. I was so grateful that I LISTENED. That I followed that guide that comes form deep inside. Who better to make a difference for than my own child? I can do better at meeting his needs. And I choose to do that. I'll let you know how it's going.

Person number two turned out to be a woman at the place we went to eat. She had two toddlers and was trying to hold onto both of them and carry all her food-- and folks, she looked exhausted and overwhelmed. I felt a huge pull of empathy toward her. I know that feeling when your hands are full and you just can't keep it all together. MOM's are amazing. The thing is she looked so worn down and overwhelmed and my heart really went out to her. There really wasn't much I could think to do but I went and asked if I could carry her food for her. She turned down my offer but as I was walking away she said. Thank you so much for the offer. That was very kind of you. I appreciate it.

You just never know. But I choose to make a difference in big and small ways whenever I feel inspired to do so. I choose to open myself up to those opportunities, and invite them into my life.

Who you are makes a difference

2010-02-11T15:57:00.000-08:00

To me.

I've been thinking a lot about the most influential people in my life. People who have had the greatest impact on me. I sat down and made a list. One of them was my fourth grade teacher, Mr. Engleking. Why was he important to me? I had to think for a few minutes about what it really was. And what I realized was this. He always treated everyone in my class, including me, with respect. I never saw or heard him talk down to anyone. He was positive and friendly and somehow portrayed to us that he had HIGH REGARD for each of us. Even though we were sweaty, stinky, emotional little beings, he found a way to affirm in us that our ideas were good and important. That our feelings and thoughts mattered. That what we wanted and needed was important to him. That made me feel safe and valuable and important. So, I asked myself who needs that from me today? Who can I pass that along to? I plan to look for someone today and tomorrow and when the inspiration comes, I promise myself I will act on it.

I can't really find Mr. E to let him know, but there are others who have influenced me and some of them I can easily contact. Today I will send an email to a person in my life who made a difference for me just to thank them and let them know. And as I said I will also find someone that I can make a difference for. I'll let you know what comes of it all. I'd love to hear about someone that has made a difference for you, and how you let them know that. And also about how you purposefully tried to make a difference in someone else's life today.

Friend Dates

2010-02-10T22:43:00.000-08:00

I have a friend that I have known since I was about 12. We shared a backyard fence and I started babysitting her baby when he was 2 weeks old. He is now in college! Tonight Sally and I had the chance to go out on a date. It was like a date because we went out to dinner (yummy greek food mmm...) and then we went and saw a play together. Avenue Q. A funny spoof on Sesame street that includes puppets and adult themes. It was very funny. And as I said the food was delicious. But the chance to just hang out and talk and make the time we spent special by planning and dressing up and eating good food made it so cool. It was like a date. It's almost Valentine's day and I think sometimes we get so focused on that holiday as being a romantic holiday...but when was the last time you really took the time to nurture and cherish a friendship you hold dear, and do it in a big way-really put your heart into it? If you don't practice going on girlfriend dates, I recommend you start. Your romantic/life partner is important, and it's important to nourish that relationship, but it can also be very valuable to intentionally and purposefully nurture your friendships as well.

If you do, I'd love to hear about what you end up doing and with whom you choose to do it.

xoxo

Seeds and Opportunities

2010-02-09T22:19:00.000-08:00

Today the seeds I realized I was planting were ones of choosing things that bring me joy and happiness, and choosing to listen to my inner voice. It really is a choice. I went to Lowe's today to buy a few spring flower bulbs to learn how to force the bulbs to bloom in pots indoors.

I also chose a new paint color to paint the chairs in my coaching studio. I usually have a really hard time choosing and committing to colors, or choosing and committing in general. So today I decided to see what my little inner voice might have to say. I sat in my coaching studio and just quietly took it all in. Then I went to Lowe's and stood in front of the paint colors until I saw a few that I pulled out. When I picked one particular color up I heard the voice in my head say-- this is the one! I doubted myself. Will I really like it? Is there a better color? Of ALL these beautiful colors is this really the one? I heard myself say again in my mind, You are going to love this color! Just buy it. So I did. No long deliberation. No agonizing. I just did it. And guess what? I do love it! So that was the seed I planted: the art of getting still and quiet, and the practice of listening to and trusting myself. (You can see the color I chose on the walls in that picture up there- sailor blue)

I also literally planted some seeds too! Wish me luck in my newest venture. I have never tried to make anything grow from a seed like this inside my house before.

And as for the obstacle that became the opportunity today? I emailed a mentor/coach I have been working with and asked them for some input on how to begin a new business venture. The response was that they would love to help me but I would have to pay them a lot of money I don't yet have in order to get the information. Instead of feeling rejected, overwhelmed and discouraged, I asked myself; how could this be a hidden opportunity for me? The answer came, google the thing you want to know more about and see what you can find on the internet. I found all kinds of cost free and low cost ways to learn about the information I need. I even found a few other potential resources for guiding me in this venture that I would not have ever found had I not gone into that search. How cool is that???

Seeds

2010-02-08T23:51:00.000-08:00

Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.

Robert Louis Stevenson

Every Obstacle is a hidden opportunity.

Every failure brings with it the seed of an equivalent success.

Tomorrow all day I'll be searching to be aware of seeds I am planting. I'll be looking for hidden opportunities. I'll be back to tell you what I discover...

My "Risk"

2010-02-07T20:44:00.000-08:00

I went shopping today and bought myself a new pair of jeans. The thing is, I went into a store I have not gone in for at least 10 years because I decided a long time ago I could not afford their jeans. I walked in the store and went right up to a really cute girl that worked in the store and I said, "I want you to find me the sexiest most flattering pair of pants. I DID NOT choose my pants by the price tag. I chose my pants by the ones that were flattering and attractive on my body. I chose the ones that I am excited to wear. I love them. I am excited about them. I also loved asking someone for help and enjoying the whole experience of "shopping" instead of viewing it as a burden and a stress and then feeling upset about how much things cost. It was liberating for me. When I saw my body in the mirror at the store I said thank you for it. I let the sales girl see my lumps and bumps and decided to feel beautiful WITH all my imperfections and not feel like I had to hide them and be ashamed about them. This was risky for me. It was mentally and emotionally risky. AND IT FELT GOOD.

Amen.

Simple Abundance

2010-02-07T12:53:00.000-08:00

I'm reading a daybook. I started it in January and I read it once a day. I call it my pink bible. I LOVE it. Part of today's entry...

Psychologist Susan Jeffers suggests we "take a risk a day--one small or bold stroke that makes you feel great once you have done it."

Today, take a real risk that can change your life: start thinking of yourself as an artist and your life as a work in progress. Works in progress are never perfect. But changes can be made to the rough draft during rewrites... Another color can be added to the canvas. Art evolves, so does life... The beautiful and authentic life you are creating for yourself and those you love is your art. It's the highest art. "Since you are like no other being ever created from the beginning of time, you are incomparable," Brenda Ueland reminds you.

Hold that thought.

YOU ARE LIKE NO OTHER BEING EVER CREATED. Do you really get that? I am starting to. Wow.

I'll be back tonight to tell you what risk I end up taking. I can't wait to discover it...I want to hear about yours too.

Us

2010-02-07T00:34:00.000-08:00

Everyday this little soul brings me home. He is pure light and pure joy and pure goodness. I love being his mom.

La vita e bella. E vero.

It's About Time

2009-08-12T12:06:00.000-07:00

Coming up for air.
I know.
It's been a very long time since I last updated my blog...and Ezra's blog too. All I can say is that I guess I just needed to breathe. and keep getting up everyday. and figuring stuff out.
I can't say I've got it all figured out yet. I sure don't. But I felt the urge to write today. and post some pictures. So I figured I would get right on that-- since I have ignored it so many times over the last 7 months.

So lately I have really been missing my grandpa.

Everytime I hear a little airplane flying overhead I think of him. I think he is flying by saying hi. saying "hang in there kiddo." I don't care if that is true or not...I just choose to believe it. and it makes me feel good. and if he were alive i know he would be saying hang in there kiddo. i know that because he said it to me many times.

The picture below is of me and ez number 2. I am wearing one of the few things I inherited from my grandpa after he died. The hat says "Lopez-- The friendly Isle." This hat is so cool for several reasons.
#1--It's a goofy hat. my grandpa wore goofy hats. he never curved the bill so they were always straight and square across the top, and not fitted to his head so he looked funny in them. They always said random stuff on them too from all the places he had been, or had like handprints on them because they were gifts from one of his grandkids, or came from some store he bought some item at like a boat store or something. The same was true about his t-shirts.
He should really have had a matching shirt and hat combination that said "I heart Costco" on it because he loved Costco. Seriously, I think he loved Costco more than life itself.
So anyway the brim on my hat is still square and it's made out of green courdoury. And it says LOPEZ on it. Which is my favorite place in the whole world-- and it really is friendly there-- everybody waves, even when they are driving. If you don't wave you are obviously not a local and I love thinking of my grandpa driving around on the island in his little honda brushing his teeth and doing the slight raise of the hand over the steering wheel as we passed another driver to acknowledge them...honoring the tradition on the friendly isle.
And the other cool thing #3-- is that the word LOPEZ ends in EZ. which is what I call my son. and the short version of my grandpa's name.
I heart my green hat.
It doesn't fit in in my bedroom at all. but it's hanging on my bedpost at all times unless I am really missing him... and then i put it on my own head for awhile.
Ezra turned one. And he tried to share his cupcake with me. Sweet kid.

We have been trying to get out in the great outdoors as much as possible this summer.
My mom took us to the lavendar festival this summer. It was fabulous.Ezra has become quite proficient with his feet. he uses them like hands a lot. And he is obsessed with cell phones ( I won't spell it out but there is some huge irony to that...)

And I liked this picture of me. I actually felt pretty for a few minutes. It's been a long time since I felt pretty. (Thanks MerriLyn and Victoria).

Ok then. I came up for some air. i took a swig. i may be going back down under for awhile-- I may be back up soon. I can't promise anything becasue I really don't know. I'm going through a huge personal revolution right now.

so watch out.

p.s. if this post seems crazy to you and you don't get it-- I apologize-- but really, it's a sign of good growth for me.

Peaceful Warrior

2009-01-02T16:24:00.000-08:00

Christmas this year--came in several doses and it happened early.

In September my mom took us to Seattle and Lopez Island, most definitely one of my favorite places to visit in the whole world.

Then, in mid December I got to go to Phoenix with Susan and Crit and the munchkins. It was superb! Hanging out with the BFF, eating midnight pizza, skirts and sandals, fireworks, skinny dipping in Lake Saguaro in December? Yep that's right-- it's true. I still haven't given it up. I dare say I never will. I'll be skinny dipping when I'm 80 years old!

On the way home from Arizona I was a bit sad... and that's when Christmas really happened this year. My dad was there waiting for me and Ezra when we got off the plane. We collected our bag and as we were heading out of the airport my dad pointed out three travellers sitting by the payphone with all their bags. My dad said offhandedly "I think they might be stranded" and without hesitating I walked over to them (mind you Ezra is in the backpack so I'm figuring they will feel less intimidated by a braided hair chick with a kid on her back) and asked them if they needed help. It turned out they had each come from different parts of Central and South America and were on their way to Sun Valley to work at the resorts for the winter, but their shuttle had never come for them so they were stuck in Boise in the terribly stormy weather at 10:00 at night. And the Boise airport is not exactly hoppin at 10 at night so there was no food or anything. Anyway they were waiting for a call to see if the lodge might send someone for them (three hours away). I told them if they needed a place to stay they could come to our place. They said they had to wait 20 or 30 minutes for their call to see what would happen. I gave them my number to call if they ended up stuck and we left. I told my dad I wanted to get them some food and bring it back to them so we went and got them a pizza. When we got back to give it to them they were so shocked. They were like "Why are you helping us?"

Well...why? How many times have I been stuck, stranded, or in need of a miracle? I can't number them. But I can say I totally KNEW the look I saw in their eyes. I knew how they felt. And I wanted to help, for all the times somebody has helped me.

So... they got a tour of the exciting farmland between Boise and Nampa on VERY snowy streets, and they got some dinner. They got warm beds and showers, they got a local bacon, eggs, and fried potatoes breakfast, a lunch bag to go, and a ride back to the airport the next day. Thanks to my dad for going along with how I wanted to help. :) He is such a good sport.

It was the boost I needed to get me back into being home. And now we have three new friends. :)

That's Christmas. If you ask me. And I don't mind that it came a little early this year.

Leandro (from Argentina), Manuela (from Brazil) and Luis (from Peru)Making Breakfast for the crew-- (and yes that is spit up on my arm, its part of my wardrobe now).

So now go watch the movie called Peaceful Warrior. It's a bit odd, BUT here's the point I got from it, which has been stewing in me this last year: In everything you do whether it be pumping gas, making a bed or a lunch, or competing in the Olympics...do it with your heart. Do the little things that no one else may ever see or know about with as much attention and care as you would do the things that seem grand and "important" and noticeable-- and do them all with love.

That is what this world needs.

Morning Goodness

2008-12-08T09:52:00.000-08:00

Now listen to me. I am not a big fan of breakfast. I truly have to be in the mood and I still have not figured out what gets me there-- BUT If you like oatmeal AT ALL. you are gonna wanna make this recipe. I got it from my friend Lissa. We met in kindergarten. She had the best art projects of anybody in the class (and I aspired to be just like her in my artistic abilities--but to no avail-- my best art comes out in the kitchen). And she was really nice. We are still friends.We were cruelly seperated in elementary school but we were reunited again in junior high again-- and i know for sure she helped me survive Drama, PE (both of which were terrifying to me) and Orchestra (which was traumatizing for other reasons we don't need to go into).We even got to be roommates at college for awhile. Do you have any friends that you have had for THAT lONG? Lissa is truly my oldest (other than my sibs) and one of my dearest friends. And she is still a great artist! She even got a dgree in it. But she is also really fun to cook with and talk about books and just life in general. So this one goes out to Lissa who is so busy with her three kids she probably won't even have time to read this for a long time!

I've decided to name it

Lissa's Delectable Baked Oatmeal Yumminess (she and her kids have thier own name for it but I can't remember what it is)

In a bowl mix together all of the following ingredients:

3 c. regular oats

3/4 c. brown sugar

1/4 c. butter

**2 eggs

2 c. milk

1 tsp. baking powder

1 tsp. salt

1 tsp. cinnamon

1 apple grated

1/2 c. coconut

then you can add craisins, raisins, bluberries, or any other dried fruit and you can add seeds and nuts-- I used chopped up raw almonds (since i'm ALLERGIC to walnuts--did you know that about me?) and threw in craisins (because I do not- as a rule- like baked raisins).

I also threw in some coconut milk.

Butter a 13x9 pan and dump it all in

Bake at 375 for 25 minutes (mine took more like 35 minutes)

pour milk over it and eat this in a bowl! mmmmmmmmmm

**did you know that if you don't have eggs or don't want to use them you can sub appplesauce (which a lot of you bakers already know) OR you can grind up one heaping tablespoon of whole flaxseeds and blend until it becomes a fine powder. Add 1/4 cup cold water blend 2-3 minutes until thickened and has the consistency of eggs. Each 1/4 cup of Flax seed mixture will replace one egg in baking. I have tried this and it really works!

Let me know if you tried this goodness and if you like it as much as I do.

And now you know at least a few new things about me.

P.S. I got tagged by my other friend Susan so stay tuned for my next post...

(p.p.s. there is a link to Ezra's blog now in my sidebar if you want to check it out)

Did I just eat another Maple Bar?

2008-11-11T10:18:00.000-08:00

A wise person once told me that there is no pain like heart pain. At the time the pain I was experiencing seemed so profound, but looking back it was really a simple heartbreak from a broken puppy love crush. It doesn't matter though-- when the heart aches, it aches.

It's been awhile since I last posted. A lot has been going on. It's hard to know what to post about and what to leave out in blogland. I have been making some very hard decisions in trying to figure out what is best for me and ezra (ezrebecca as my little friend ariana calls us :)). Unfortunatley Murv decided he does not want to stay married any longer and it seems we are unable to reconcile our views about so many important things that I have accepted his decision and quit holding on in hopes of reaching some workable compromise.

I spent last week in Texas cleaning up a lot of our messes, packing up and driving a moving van back to Idaho. It was a long and painful journey. And while this is definitley not the outcome I had hoped for, it does no good to argue with reality nor to hold onto dreams that seem to have no possibility in the real world.

The journey with Murv has been one of great importance in my life. I come out of it with a beautiful son, an almost two year adventure living "off the grid," raised awareness and consciousness of myself and our mother earth, and many lessons learned about life, how to be happy regardless of circumstances, and an even firmer belief in a loving God who watches over and protects me, comforts me and guides me, while still allowing me to make mistakes and learn as I stumble along. I walk away bruised and tattered, But with a firm knowledge that I gave and loved wholeheartedly, to the best of my ability. I went at our dreams and our life together with tenacity, hopeful optimism and undaunted courage. Seriously, Lewis and Clark have got nothin' on me...

To be frank, there were many ugly and difficult times in our journey together--too many. But to be fair, there were also so many beautiful times as well.

While I feel the weight resting squarely on my shoulders of adequately caring for this amazing boy -- this union of mine and murv's souls-- by myself- without the person I optimistically believed would always be my other half-- I will trust and not be afraid. I will hold my head up high and continue walking the path. I will truly miss Murv's presence in my life and hope that the pain of this loss and the death of all that could have been will heal over time. Maybe some day, in some way we will all still get to be padobe kids...I have been around long enough to know that things always have a way or working themselves out.

For now you may catch me eating too much and unhealthy food (like a maple bar before I even get to the checkout line at the grocery store), or playing a little too loudly on my drum, or curled up in fetal position, or staring off into space as I walk around in a daze-- trying to let go and go on...but I trust that this too shall pass, and there is still so much to look forward to.

Friends, cooking, thrifting and all that fun stuff...

2008-10-12T08:09:00.000-07:00

This week I found this beautiful quiche dish at a thrift store! It is stoneware and let me just tell you how lucky I feel. I put it back three times because I felt guilty for thinking of buying something I don't need but just want. But I just kept knowing deep down in my gut that it was a true find and that I would regret it later. I told myself-- you have never made a quiche in your life and you will probably hardly ever use this dish. But eventually my little gut gave in. I was tested once again at the checkout line when I saw that it had about 5 people ahead of me and Ez decided he was d-u-n-n done, shopping. I almost set it down and left but at the last second, took my place in line like everybody else and waited my turn. Thankfully the lady behind me entertained Ezra during our wait. I spent a lot of time surfing around on the web for the right recipe for Quiche. I really wanted one that did not call for a boring pre-made pie shell, but I just couldn't seem to find the right recipe. You know how you just know when you've found the right one? It just wasn't happening.

So anyway, my wonderful thoughful friends Susan and Crit and their two little munchkins showed up in my bedroom unnanounced at 10:30 pm Thursday night! They drove a long way to see us-- BFF extravaganza. After the shock of the suprise wore off-- my first thought was that I just had to find the right recipe so I could try out my new dish on them. No more messing around. the time was now!

After I got everyone settled into thier sleeping arrangements I went back to my search. I was trying to find out if a quiche shell is the exact same as a pie shell or if it should be nade slightly differently? I just did not know. And it was simply too late to call my sister who knows everything about cooking and ask her. So I settled on a martha stewart pie crust recipe (found here), and the Allrecipes website recipe of the day which just so happened to be a spinach quiche! I was very unsure of whether this was going to work or not but I just decided to stick with the adventure and have a little faith that I could in fact actually make a pie crust! I have heard that it's tough to get a good one so obvioulsy my perfectionistic-- it's not ok to make a mistake self-- was a little nervous. At 2:00 in the morning I put my "disc" (which I have no idea if I did it right or not) into the refrigerator to chill overnight and went to bed-- well kind of. Just about the time I was ready to go to sleep-- Ezra decided he was ready to not sleep-- :)

But anyway by the time I got up and moving and spent all the time it took to prebake the pie dough ( I read it would be less soggy this way) and make the quiche and bake it-- It ended up being our lunch instead of our breakfast. I made quite a few alterations to the actual quiche recipe based on things I compiled in my head from my quiche recipe research. But this was the recipe I scaled it from-- here --I added pear tomatoes, and precooked bacon, precooked yellow zucchini and onions and I forgot the garlic. I also used a mixture of mozzarella and cheddar and substituted fresh parsley for spinach. I went with sour cream rather than yogurt and added some chili powder, seasoning salt and extra pepper as well as fresh rosemary.

Let me tell you-- the pie crust turned our pretty good-- for my first one with no clue what I was doing-- I was pretty happy with it. I would like to find one that is flakier and not as dense and a tad less butter for next time but all in all this was honestly the best quiche I have ever eaten-- and I'm not just saying that. I want to make one every day now! And I had so much fun feeding my friends-- I am glad they were patient with my experiement :) And I am glad I got that dish.

I did it!

All this yummy stuff

2008-10-11T09:00:00.000-07:00

got made into baby food this week for this yummy little person. Seriously. I really could just eat him up.

Recipes for Kim and Mike

2008-09-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

Because I love you both so much!

Baked Eggplant Parmesan Casserole
Ingredients
2 eggplants sliced lengthwise into 1/2-inch-thick pieces (so you have round discs)
2 eggs, beaten with a fork
1 1/2 cups bread crumbs (buy some or make your own by just belnding up two bread ends in a blender or vitamix --whether you buy or make add parmesan cheese and italian spices to your bread crumbs for more flavor)
2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil*
1 (25-ounce) jar pasta sauce (roasted vegetable or any variety)* I used my own homemade (see below)
1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese*
1/2 cup shredded parmesan cheese
Pasta of your choice (penne or rotini works well) about 4 cups dry
Fresh basil (this is the best part-- dont skip the fresh if you can find it)

Method
Preheat oven with a baking sheet inside to 375°F. Coat eggplant slices with beaten egg, then bread with panko crumbs. Generously grease hot baking sheet and place eggplant slices on it in a single layer. Bake 15 minutes, flip and bake another 10 minutes. While baking boil your pasta to al dente. Mince up your basil.

Increase oven temperature to 475°F.
In an 8 x 10-inch oven proof dish, grease and layer red sauce with basil sprinkled over it, eggplant, pasta, red sauce sauce, fresh basil, cheeses. Repeat, finishing with cheeses. Make sure the top layer of pasta is covered really well with sauce so it does not dry out the pasta and then top with cheeses. Bake until the cheese melts and turns golden in spots, about 15-20 minutes.

Red Sauce (if you want lots of sauce to freeze or can double or triple)
it thaws out in like less than a minute in a freezer bag in sink of hot water
Fill large pot half full of water and boil (the more extra room in the pot the better for later when cooking sauce so the bigger the pot the better)
Blanch about 10 medium to large tomatoes in the water till skins start to split (1-2 minutes)
Submerge in sink of very cold water
Peel
squeeze seeds out
Place tomaotoes back in large pot and boil then turn down to medium simmer (less mess if you have lots of room at the top of the pot)
In a sauce pan heat up 3-4 TBS olive oil and add a handful of chopped up garlic and about 2 TBS salt, heat in oil till it smells strong and then dump oil and garlic in tomatoes and stir
Stir and potato mash occassionally for several hours as you go (don't burn) till sauce is cooked down, thick and most of liquid is boiled out. Salt and pepper to taste.
The sauce is best to make a day or two ahead so it can sit in the fridge and get tastier

Plum Oatmeal Crisp
Ingredients
Serves 6
1/2 cup plus 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour (spooned and leveled)
Between 1/2 to 3/4 cup cup plus 2 tablespoons packed light-brown sugar
3/4 cup old-fashioned rolled oats (not quick-cooking)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup (1 stick) cold unsalted butter, cut into small pieces
2 1/2 pounds ripe plums (about 8), cut into 1-inch pieces
Directions
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. In a medium bowl, stir together 1/2 cup flour, sugar, oats, and salt. Using a pastry blender or two knives, cut in butter until coarse crumbs form.
In a shallow 2-quart baking dish, toss plums with remaining 2 tablespoons sugar and 1 tablespoon flour; sprinkle with oat topping. Place dish on a rimmed baking sheet. Bake until topping is golden brown, 40 to 45 minutes. Let cool 20 minutes before serving.

Food glorious food

2008-09-28T21:12:00.000-07:00

I love going to the farmers market every Saturday! This week I got eggplants, lemon cucumbers, pears, pluots, dried plums, sugar plums, fresh basil, and carrots. mmmm...

Which made for a lovely sunday dinner experiment. Heather and I made a baked eggplant parmesan casserole dish that turned out delicious-- especially since we had fresh basil and eggplant and my own homemade marinara sauce that I made earlier this week to add to it. It was soooo good... I love cooking. I just totally love it. :) It's my therapy.

As you can see this dish was a big hit-- they dug into it before I even had a chance to take a picture
Then we whipped up a delicious plum oatmeal crisp. That recipe came from this months edition of everyday food by our favorite ex convict-- martha stewart-- this is an excellent publication my sister turned me on to which includes recipes for the whole month that utilize ingredients that are typically available during that month-- hence the plum crisp.

If you want either of these recipes let me know...

This week I am looking forward to making carrot baby food and drying lots of plums and making more marinara sauce cuz man that stuff is so good- there is nothing like it at the store. :)

Look What I Did!

2008-09-25T21:39:00.001-07:00

Today was a super productive day...

I made homemade butternut squash bread. It is s0 yummy! If you want to make it you can go here
And if you want to make homemade marinara sauce you have to have lots of fresh tomatoes from your garden. I made two pots of this stuff today!
In here you can see my little jars of pear tomato preserves, and frozen fresh green beans and squash for making baby food this winter when its time for ezra to start eating. You can see some of my marinara and plums too (kind of)!

Thirtysomething

2008-09-21T13:40:00.000-07:00

This month I turned 31 and Ezra turned 3 months old! I have been busy canning and cooking and working and taking care of my favorite little boy on the planet.

The days pass quickly and I find myself staring at other people's blogs and my emails and trying to muster up the energy to write on my blog and Ezra's blog...

The mail man babysat her girls so Heather and I could go to Art in the Park for my birthday!Then my dad and Ryan and Mary took me out for Sushi!Ezra had his baby blessing given to him by my dad and my brother Ryan. My mom got to be there too I love my boy!

Marley Jane is just 11 days younger than Ezra and they had their belssings on the same day! My mom also helped me and Heather with some of our many canning and food preservation ventures (Heather is even more prolific than I and she inspires me to keep at it!)
Dill pickles and plums
Bread and Butter Pickles
Corn which we went and picked ourselves and then processed for freezingPeaches and Peach Sauce for Ezra
HUGE Beefstake tomatoes from my dads garden for yummy fresh salsa

Eating breakfast at Honkers in downtown Nampa before hitting the farmers market!

We are staying busy and having lots of good times with our family.

Juballoon

2008-09-02T10:35:00.000-07:00

I started a blog just for Ezra so that mine can still be my journal and his can be his. I'll still post about him on mine but there will be more about him on his own blog for those of you that want to follow his sweet little life around in more detail! It's still not much but I'll be adding to it as I have time. If you want to see it go here

McCall Idaho

2008-08-31T13:12:00.000-07:00

This is how Ezra felt about spending the week in McCall with Papa J, and ALL of his cousins and aunts and uncles on my side of the family--One 6 year old and 5 babies under the age of two!

Candid shots of Ez for Kim

2008-08-22T21:21:00.000-07:00

I am working on a blog just for Ezra but in the mean time-- here are some recent pixies of my boy (and his awesome hair)!

Huh? Uh-Oh busted flirting with that older woman-- oh yeah she's my cousin...dang
It's hard to catch him mid-smile but this is the end of a big one! Man I love his smile and his natural mohawk, and his loooong eyelashes!He loves to suck his two middle fingers. Maybe he's saying I love you :)

Sweet Boy. I love you too.

What I love about Idaho

2008-08-21T20:45:00.001-07:00

Hadley and Huge old fashioned twist cones from the Hungry Onion which still does carside service and has been around since my dad was a kid!

Beautiful sprawling fields of wildflowers like these sunflowers

Reggies Veggies roadside stand chock full of local fruits and vegetables!

Favorite Things

2008-08-12T17:20:00.000-07:00

I went swimming!!!!
One of my favorite things in the whole world is swimming. And it's been a long time sice i've had a chance to just swim and it felt so very good! I LOVE it. I would swim every single day if I could.

My sister Heather and I decided to be very brave (or stupid) and accompany our dad to Oregon WITH our kids! While an infant, toddler and high maintenance 6 year old don't make travelling quite like I am used to-- It's all good...part of the initiation into motherhood-- it makes travelling different but its still great. Anyway the drive through the pacific northwest was absolutley beautiful and Papa J has been incredibly helpful AND very patient with all our stuff and our kids (Much more patient than I remember him as a kid--way to go dad :)) . We spent last night in Portland then headed out to the coast where we will be for a few days. We are staying in a quaint little town called Yachats. We have already enjoyed clam chowder and fish and chips (mmm...my favorite). I am so excited to be here-- I have always felt that the pacific northwest is home in my heart and I am really enjoying showing my son around.

This is a great little campground where we stopped for lunch and a kid break on our drive down

(photos include Heather, Hadley(in the background), Amelia, Papa J and Ezra Jubal)

I took the test

2008-08-02T09:17:00.001-07:00

INFJ

The Protector

You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.
Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.
You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience.
You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them.

In love, you truly see relationships as an opportunity to connect and grow.
You enjoy relationships as long as they are improving and changing. You can't stand stagnation.

At work, you stay motivated and happy... as long as you are working toward a dream you support.
You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

How you see yourself: Hardworking, ethical, and helpful

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Manipulative, weak, and unstable

What's" Your Personality Type?

click on the link and take the test

I am an INFJ

Yes Again...

2008-07-18T06:50:00.000-07:00

Are you kidding me? How is it possible to be that stinkin' cute? Don't you just want to eat them all?
Thanks for the warm welcome cousins!
Ezra and I are back in Idaho...Murv is still in Texas. We will be here for...awhile...don't knowhow long...but at least until he doesn't get heatstroke from being outside or inside at our house in Texas...Since the cabin is not done and there is still no running water and bathroom and it's 110 plus super high humidity and there is no air conditioning-- I decided the baby and I could use a little refuge from the extreme living conditions!

Lindsay's Post

2008-07-07T18:27:00.000-07:00

My sister Lindsay did a really good post about our time in Austin, It is on July 7th, 2008 and is titled "Welcoming Ezra"--click here

Unhooked

2008-07-03T08:40:00.000-07:00

Ezra got to leave the NICU! He was able to be slowly weaned from the oxygen, his lungs are miraculously clear and he finished all his antibiotics and passed all his tests and screens-- and they finally cut him loose. We spent one night with him at the hospital in a parents "room in" so that we could have back up support through his first night unhooked. He did great! It felt so good to have him close and not have anybody (except murv) telling me what I could and couldn't do with him. I finally took a deep breath and was able to relax. We are now at my aunt Tina's house in Houston with my mom and Ezra is adjusting very well to life on the outside. He is changing everyday! Yesterday we gave him his first bath and he and I are just working away at the feeding/eating thing and I am very grateful for my mom and my aunt's expertise-- this whole feeding thing is not as easy as it looks. Thankfully Ez is a sleeper-- he sleeps about 4 hours at a time so I get to rest a little too--at least for now... :)
Thanks Dad and Lindsay and Eli for coming to help-- we could not have made it through that first week without you!

Hold You

2008-06-26T10:24:00.000-07:00

Ezra "Jube" (as murv calls him) is doing much much better! He is down to 22% oxygen, eating from a bottle, pooping plenty, burping loud and has a nice loud cry. I finally got to hold him! And I got to start trying to nurse him this afternoon. (Notice Murv's reading material :) They scalped one side of his head! My little indian brave...
He is so perfect :)

Ezra Jubal Thornton

2008-06-22T06:31:00.000-07:00

was born at 3:07 am on Thursday June 19th just as the full moon was exactly overhead! He was born on his cousin Hadley's birthday, the full moon, and the beginning of summer solstice. He weighed 8.48 pounds and was 54cm long.

Ezra has some respritory complications and has to be in the NICU in Austin for awhile--we don't know when he will get to come home but he is doing really well and slowly being weaned from the machines that are helping him. We are staying at the Ronald McDonald house nearby and spending time with him whenever we can. Murv is already reading books and the paper to him...We can't wait to get to hold him! Keep him in your prayers...

thank you for all your support!

look at that big strapping chest! He is beautiful!

Any day now

2008-06-12T14:11:00.000-07:00

well...it could be any day. my midwife says probably within the next 10. why does that sound so long? probably because its been over 100 degrees every day for the last two weeks--if you thought you were my best friend you've been replaced by this fan...
and this bowling ball bean is getting pretty heavy!

it's really not that bad most of the time but i am getting pretty ready :)

Go local!

2008-06-06T08:18:00.000-07:00

My sister Heather was inspired to create a group and issue a challenge--I signed up and wanted to invite my friends to participate too-- It's basically a challenge that we all create one meal per week made of only local ingredients (with a few freebie exceptions like salt and pepper and spices)-- we catalogue what we made and send in pictures-- you don't have to have a blog to play with us, and you don't even have to do it every week, it could be once a month or whatever fits your schedule. If you think you might like to join in click here and look at the Tuesday June 3rd 2008 entry titled "Joining In." It's going to be really fun-- Join us and make a difference! It would be really cool to get people from other countries (hint Ana :)).

Community

2008-06-03T13:36:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a great weekend! Our sustainability group-- newly named SOLSTICE (Seeds Of Love Sustainable Tribe & Intentional Community Evolution) did a work party at our place and it was awesome! We got a lot done. I now have: the beginning of a solar composting toilet made of handmade padobes done by Murv right on our property, electricity INSIDE my house, an outdoor shower with cold water hooked up (hot water is next on the list), two really nice paths, a small herb garden, and new safe front steps that are big enough to sit on! Even at 100 degrees outside we had a great time and I got very excited to see some progress! (Hence all the exclamation marks). Murv and Lucky making mortar

Lucky is a stonemason from Italy and he made me a beautiful stome floor and bench for my shower
(sorry about the shadows)
So this is a pretty big toilet... Murv says its going to be really cool when its done-- I'm slightly skeptical but if I hate it I guess I can grow bamboo around it-- Its really hard to explain how it works but the good news it the blocks are really user friendly and its a good practice structure...

In addition to our super work party on Sunday afternoon we had a Blessing Way in the grove of trees across from our house (which I call the park). It was an amazing experience for me. I felt totally overwhelmed with love and good intentions from neighbors and friends. If you are unfamiliar with a blessing way--here is a brief explanation...

A Blessing Way is one of the traditional healing ceremonies of the Navajo. It is an important part of the spiritual practices for those in the traditional 'religion' or worldview. A Blessing Way is one of the most sacred ceremonies associated with pregnancy. Traditionally a Blessing Way is a women only ceremony, however many women choose to include men. A Blessing Way is performed late in the pregnancy and is to give the mother to be strength for the deeply spiritual rite of passage she is about to encounter during her birth.
A Blessing Way, much to the chagrin of the Navajo, has recently become associated with pagan rituals, yet a Blessing Way can be adapted to any religion or none at all, it's the celebration of the woman about to give birth that is of importance.
Although society seems to have trivialized birth so that baby showers are often commercially bent without much reference to the sacredness of the birth experience, we can choose to gather with women (and men) to honour the work of the mother and the father and recognize birth as the transforming experience it is. The intention is always to create an atmosphere of reverence and love. We gather to create a space that is sacred but not serious. And since Blessing Ways are part of the creative process which is birth - anything can happen, Blessing Ways are joyful celebrations!

And our ceremony was really inspiring-- I felt like it was a really important emotional experience that helped me connect more with our baby and prepare for birth and becoming a mother and a family unit. My friends Celena and Jamie brought flowers and blankets and pillows and we gathered under the trees and each person in the circle shared belssing for both me and Murv and for the baby. Some of the prayers that were offered included blessing us and the baby with gifts like resourcefulness, tolerance, awe, bliss, humility, harmony, joy, lots of laughter, honesty and clear intent, forgiveness, compassion and courage.

The men amd women took turns talking about their own experiences with birth, we had drumming, singing, opening of gifts, and then we each tied a string around our wrist which we will wear until the baby is born which is to remind each of us to continue to send the good energy and blessings to the baby each time we look at the bracelet-- and then we ate delicious savory and sweet pies and the women braided my hair and massaged my legs, hands, feet, head and back, fed me fruit and pampered me while the men went off and chatted and did their own thing for awhile. It was a good opportunity to recieve and be in community and to honor the sacredness of parenthood, birth, life, family. I feel so grateful for so many blessings this weekend... I am in awe.

That's Vanessa-- she made the delicious pies-- her baby will be born in September!And Michael one of the elders in our group made this cradle by hand with no nails out of 40 year old pine that came from the shelves of a book store that was being redone-- what good energy for the bean!

Local Farms

2008-05-23T09:27:00.000-07:00

Some of you may be getting tired of my social/political entries... but its heavy on my mind lately... I can't help it.
This week Murv was able to do a workshop on our land for a high school economics class which may turn into a teaching position for him at an alternative high school doing a greenbuilding class next year-- very cool! It was really great to have enthusiastic kids come to our place and see what we are trying to do. One of the things he talked to the students about was that he does not want to encourage a "sky is falling" mentality or a critical attitude toward where we are today as a society, but that we would like to do all we can to give be more conscientious citizens of the planet and give future generations alternatives and solutions to some of the messes we are handing them. Hence the reason he is so passionate about using products generated from the waste stream in our own communities to put back into the community in useful ways that are healthy, as well as making less of a carbon footprint and harnessing energy sources that are limitless, etc...
I have seen three or four articles in the paper lately that are food for thought... This morning I read in the paper that an 18 wheeler diesel truck currently costs $1300 to fill up and gets between 4.5-6.5 MPG. Are you wondering why food prices are going up? Then I saw this awesome article about a FARM charter school in Austin that is teaching kids math, science, art etc.. by growing preparing and selling food! They also have a strict policy about making healthy eating choices at school. The teachers say since they have implemented this vision in their school they have seen the students be able to pay attention, learn more, have more energy and stay focused! Imagine that... cut out cheetos and coke and you can actually pay attention and learn better... ? Really? And teach them those habits while they are still young so its not so hard to give all the crap up. Give kids hands on opportunities to learn and give them lifelong skills of being able to grow their own food. How intelligent is that?
Last week my friend Jamie and I went to Farmer's markets and talked to local farmers and producers about supplying our food buying group with their products. They were very excited (like hungry animals almost) about the prospects of being able to supply what they grow to larger groups without having to travel to 5-10 farmers markets every week and constantly losing profit because of rising fuel costs. I looked into their eyes. They are a dying breed. They work so hard and can barely stay alive. If they get too much rain, or not enough, or some pest that wipes them out they could literally lose their livelihood. If some dumb kids decide to set off fireworks in their orchards, it could take them three years to recover (true story told to me by a peach farmer). They live by the sweat of their brow, and are largely unknown and unthought about. I promised myself I will buy their food whenever I can instead of opting for the grocery store convenience of hormone and pesticide ridden food grown hundreds to thousands of miles away and shipped across the country. TRY TO BUY LOCAL if at all possible-- we all win! That's my spiel for the day... and with it a tribute to Arnosky Family Farms-- they are about 15 miles down the road from me and along with growing exquisite flowers, they provide goat cheese, herbs and fresh vegetables-- and they have an inspiringly beautiful happy barn which came to be through an old fashioned community barn raising!

Laughing is good

2008-05-21T09:47:00.000-07:00

Ok- so Im' not sure if this will be as funny to you as it was to me but I laughed so hard I actually ALMOST peed my pants...

Yetserday Murv and i took a trip to see my midwife. As we were driving home he decided to stop by the Blanco River and wash his feet in the river and put on some new shoes-- He has been wearing his boots (with shorts) because he hasn't been able to find any shoes that are compatible with his very sensitive skin on his feet. Anyway he finally found a pair that he is going to try out and decided to get his feet nice and clean so he could put his new ones on. I happened to have some soap in my bag in the car (always ready if a shower opportunity presents itself) so I got it out for him. He was sitting on this steep incline washing his feet and all the sudden I heard a muffled "aaugh" sound and looked over just in time to see him slide all the way down the incline and up to his chest in water. I so wish I had before and during pictures of this moment. I have to say this is one thing I love about Murv too-- I would have been so mad-- he just started laughing and didn't mind that I was laughing too. Anyway the only dry clothing options in the car happened to be a pair of MY swimming shorts. They are like those soft felty board shorts and they happen to be pregnant size, and pretty girly colors. As he was putting them on he exclaimed, these are really nice! You might have to know Murv for this to be as funny as it was but, watching him wearing my shorts was on my top five funiest things this year...

A picture is worth a thousand words

Happy/Sad again...

2008-05-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

Wednesday was the day. Diesel hit its all time high jumping from $4.29 to $4.45 overnight in our town...

And it just so happened to fall on the last day of our lease-- so with joy ( and a little sadness) we put a 5 dollar bill into the tank, which got us almost exactly enough fuel to drive it about twenty miles and drop the Jeep off at the nearest dealership. It was a little ironic to feel the liberation of letting "Liberty" go. We will miss her gutsy little diesel engine, her tow package and the AC-- she took us all over this country and without her we would not have been able to do all the things we have done on our cabin or our land

BUT We are downsizing to a 1971 Honda 600-- (40-50 MPG!) And she is cute to boot. Murv is in the process of now of getting her running.

Its a little scary and challenging to not be able to pull the trailer anymore and have all that space and power, but we are taking our stand. We are currently talking with neighbors and friends about some kind of "community truck" we all pitch in for and have access to-- to be able to get materials and supplies and haul stuff...(Murv says he is going to sue exxon for disrupting his quality of life-- he thinks he has a pretty good case-- the next erin brockovitch story).
I honestly don't know how our country can keep going this way...While diesel is horrible, gas is not much better...they say gas should hit $4.00 by next month! People, how are we going to be able to continue driving to work and school? How are all the trucks going to be able to continue to afford to drag all the crap we want to buy at walmart and target back and forth across the country? I mean seriously? Somethings gotta give.

To Houston, to Houston...

2008-05-13T09:32:00.000-07:00

Last weekend on the spur of the moment, Murv decided to take me to Houston as my first mothers day gift--to see my long time friend Merri Lyn. Merri Lyn is a golf coach and one of her players made it into the NCAA tournament. Since she lives in PA I don't get to see her much and since the two days preceeding the trip the temperature was 99 and then 100... I was pretty excited for a little escape! It was so fun to be spontaneous and "run away." We stayed in Merri Lyn's hotel room with her right in the middle of downtown Houston. We were very lucky because we arrived in Houston just after midnight on Saturday and it just so happens that the only time parking is free in Houston is on Sunday! So we got a good safe spot pretty close to the Hotel and ddin't have to pay $25.00 for hotel parking. Sunday we got to watch Merri Lyn's player (cute girl from Peru that was very confused about why Murv was wearing boots with shorts at the golf course :))practice for the tournament at a really pretty golf course. We had a lot of fun tooling around on Merri Lyn's official Cal U coach golf cart-- we saw beautiful wildflowers, ducks, turtles sunning themselves, all kinds of beautiful old trees, and free cold water at every hole. The course was so pretty and there was a nice breeze and we really had a great time messing around and laughing like kids again!
We also found an amazing art studio that we checked out. I took some pictures of this rusted sculpture of a man playing the upright bass-- he was padlocked to the back gate at this amazing studio. Its actually a studio and residence of the artist-- at the same time-- so cool.
Anyway I was definitley ready to get out of the big city but it was a great little weekend adventure.

Leaving Wimberley-- ahh so pretty...

Mothers

2008-05-10T14:27:00.000-07:00

This is my tribute to moms...

i feel it in my whole being-- this joy of creating and nurturing life-- and awe and respect for so many amazing mothers that I look up to and hope I can become like in this journey I have begun...

Morning Song

Sylvia Plath

Love set you going like a fat gold watch.

The midwife slapped your footsoles, and your bald cry

Took its place among the elements.

Our voices echo, magnifying your arrival. New statue. In a drafty museum, your nakedness

Shadows our safety. We stand round blankly as walls.

I'm no more your mother

Than the cloud that distills a mirror to reflect its own slow

Effacement at the wind's hand.

All night your moth-breath

Flickers among the flat pink roses. I wake to listen:

A far sea moves in my ear.

One cry, and I stumble from bed, cow-heavy and floral

In my Victorian nightgown.

Your mouth opens clean as a cat's. The window square

Whitens and swallows its dull stars. And now you tryYour handful of notes;The clear vowels rise like balloons.

good things

2008-05-09T13:08:00.000-07:00

i like to be inspired.
A few months ago my sister heather posted a movie called once on her blog. i watched it and i thought it was brilliant.

then i heard the two stars of the film hooked up in real life and are now called "the swell season"

I looked them up and found out they won an oscar, and now they are on tour making music all over the world. i have been listening to them online while I am at the library everyday. i have to admit i keep playing the song 'falling slowly'-- over and over and over again...don't know why but i love this song....can't get enough of it.

http://www.myspace.com/theswellseason

and this inspired me...

http://ballhype.com/video/glen_hansard_marketa_irglova_once_oscar_acceptance/

another thing that inspires me:

murv is following his dreams: he is brave and creative... i love watching him when he is in "the flow"...the other day i came outside and saw him out in the field in his overalls collecting wild flowers and pressing them into some of the leftover scrap from his padobe making venture-- beautiful...which by the way he made 75 padobes last weekend!

and the final inspiration shot:

my first bare belly shot--which is brave for me :)

that belly and that body are making a life...there is another person in there!

that is pretty amazing...

About 34 weeks

2008-05-01T13:24:00.000-07:00

I have about 6 more weeks to go...I seriously can't stop smiling

I am still loving being pregnant-- my face and my feet are starting to get swollen...but it's pretty cool to be in constant communion with this little kid. I can't wait till we get to meet! I am even feeling pretty cool about the whole labor and delivery thing... :)

ok-- this one made me laugh so hard I had to post it-- its freaking (and freakishly) hilarious to me

I love the little bean!

Dinner last night

2008-04-29T12:50:00.000-07:00

On a lighter note...last night I made the best dinner! Our friend was given a whole bunch of fresh spinach grown right here in Wimberley and he gave it to us! So I steamed up fresh asparagus and spinach, and served it with brown basmati rice, butter, lemon, and wild sockeye salmon cakes. I got the salmon cake recipe from my friend Kimmie-- super easy:

An egg, saltine crackers, canned salmon, thyme, dill, cayenne, spike, a little mayo and lemon juice. It was delicious!

How it work(s)(ed)...

2008-04-28T11:40:00.000-07:00

I decided to take pictures of how things have been working at my house-- you know the basic stuff that you do everyday. Things are changing a little bit around here and I'll get to that part of the story but I figured I better capture this stuff for the sake of history... for my kid (s) so he/she/ they can know how things were done before they came along...

First its important to know that I use a lot of bleach water...for sanitizing countertops, dishes, cutting boards, toliet seats...
This is where I cook-- I have a gas stove which is my preference for cooking anyway-- I am used to always having four burners, which come in really handy for my creative cooking style...but I have learned to do pretty well with the two burners. Also notice my handy cutting board to the left of the stove, and some of my cooking spices. The best thing is my view-- I have a GREAT view from my kitchen window. This is where I keep my pots and pans and dishes
This is my sink-- and my version of "running" water which comes out of the little spigot at the bottomof the cooler-- and my medicine/bathroom cabinet
This is how my sink drains (and where I keep my extra bleach)
This is how dishes are done...note the hose nozel. I spray everything down (usually the water that has been sitting in the hose is pretty warm for the first go around), then I add a soap droplet to each item and lather them up and scrub, then I rinse, then towel dry. This is usually not too big of a deal-- except when bugs are out, and when the hose gets a mind of its own and soaks me-- I have taken to doing dishes with no clothes on and my crocks so that it doesn't matter how wet I get...and sometimes I throw in a shower at the end...
This is where I pee. Pee only. No tissue or ANYTHING else can go in here EXCEPT bleach. I use it a lot in the nighttime. I was going outside but since I now pee A LOT more than i used to, and I tripped a couple times trying to go outside in the dark half-asleep, I brought this trusty little toilet into the house. I empty it about twice a week and sanitize accordingly. This is self explanatory I hope. When you gotta go number 2...Take the lid off, and sit on the seat. Its Murv's job to take care of this one. I refuse. He buries it...

There is one nice thing about this little jewel... I do enjoy coming out in the late evening and looking at the moon, the stars and the fireflies, and listening to the birds and watching the sunrise early in the morning. I am not going to lie- I hate the bucket, but if you have to go... it is a pretty peaceful bathroom, and one you don't experience when you an indoor flushing toilet.

So anyway, I said I would get to the part about how things are changing:
I got the electricity hooked up to the pole on our property last week. Murv was pretty upset because he had visions of us doing everything totally off the grid-- and I was really down for the idea too-- until I was almost 8 months pregnant and not close to getting the solar power hooked up, and still without a complete kitchen and bathroom...

I have to say I am having mixed emotions-- I feel happy and sad about the electricity. Have you ever seen that little movie "The God's must be Crazy?"

Here is the jist of the movie:

A Sho in the Kalahari desert encounters technology for the first time--in the shape of a Coke bottle. He takes it back to his people, and they use it for many tasks. The people start to fight over it. Misery is brought to a small group of Sho in the Kalahari desert in the form of the cola bottle. In his quest to throw the evil object over the edge of the earth, Xixo encounters Western "civilization."

It also reminds me of this great little book by Claudia Davila-- an amazing woman that lives in Canada. It's called SpOILed http://franpages.blogspot.com/2007/07/spoiled-book-launch-at-toronto-comics.html.

SPOILED, a print comic about a boy, his mother and his grandfather as his connection to Nature gets sidetracked when he discovers, and then loses, petroleum. An allegory about humankind and our inherent connection to the natural world, even in this brief era of fossil fuels.

Granted, I know, not everyone sees the problems I see with the way we live today, but I know many people are aware and trying to find ways in thier own lives to DO SOMETHING about it. To radically extract yourself from civilization as we know it, yet still have to live and function within that society, is no small task--. I struggle with it everyday. It's tough. I mean try washing clothes by hand in a day and age where fabric is so weak and flimsy it can withstand about two rubs on a rock... you know what I mean?

Or cooking a meal on a fire every single night. It's just not realistic-- unless you don't need to make a living also. Or living outdoors when there are torrential rains for six months straight.

When we first started this adventure, we really felt this strong desire to "regress" you know-- get back to our pioneer roots. Live off the land. Simplify. Make less carbon footprint. Be more self sustainable and not so dependant, and not so into instant gratification and the "I need, I want" syndrome...

But even in its unfinished state and with just bare bones basics-- I am still using orange plastic home depot buckets and propane and a hose, and driving a vehicle that cost $4.15 PER GALLON to fuel it, and typing this blog entry on an electricity powered computer at the library with the web right at my fingertips and access to ANY information I could possibly ever imagine wanting to know about!?! And still wishing I had a way to keep my food cold and wanting things I don't have that "everybody else" has....(at least most of us here in western civilization).

I have just come to accept that I don't know how to regress to that extreme in this world as it is today. So, I am trying to find some kind of balance. I haven't found the right word yet, or actually achieved the balance I am looking for. But I am trying to somehow stay connected to the natural world and the quiet and peace and serenity of a space that doesnt have man made power buzzing through it, and live sustainabley, but still take advantage of and utilize some of the technology we do have available to us today-- that can make life "easier" in some senses (and so much more complicated in others)...anyway this is my current dillema...

any thoughts?

Padobe Progress

2008-04-26T10:49:00.001-07:00

Murv stacked up all his bricks... looking pretty good! He has been cutting some of them up and giving them out as business cards... People either totally get it or totally don't get it :)

mmmm...good

2008-04-25T10:36:00.000-07:00

I made dinner AT my house-- on my little two burner propane stove with my yummy food...(now I just need the fridge for the leftovers...) Since I am really trying to learn how to prepare foods in their season, and use what is available, I decided to experiment with all the stuff I got this week-- I steamed 1 sweet potato, 1 beet, and 1 yellow potato with thyme, ginger, spike, sea salt, pepper and at the end I threw in the beet greens, some tangy pickled relish that my friend celena canned and chopped fresh cilantro-- I served it over brown basmati rice and added fresh avocado on top (the perfect touch)... It was delicious! Murv even loved it-- and he is always complaining that his stomach hurts after he eats-- he said his stomach felt great...hooray... I love cooking at home :)

Back in Texas

2008-04-23T09:19:00.000-07:00

Well-- I got brave enough to come back home to Texas. So far the weather has been really nice-- I am accepting the humidity and trying to enjoy it, since the beautiful flowers and green come a long with it-- it makes it easier... I did get a bunch of mosquito bites on my ankles the other night-- which are already swollen enough. I am trying to adjust back to the lifestyle here. It's going pretty well. I'd say my spirits are pretty high, in spite of things not being the way I would really like them at our cabin. We still have no power. Murv's brother was going to send us an inverter but that never happened-- so, no power and no bathroom...still...But the dogs are healthy and safe and sound, and Murv is still Murv. He had a little boy and his tutor come over for a padobe making workshop and it was really fun to show the kid about recycled paper and padobe making. We also made some test tiles and put bright colors of tumbled crushed glass in them. We are going to see if we can use them to tile the floor in our cabin. So far they look pretty good but they aren't dry enough to figure out yet.

Sifting the sand out of the crushed glass (yes that was the condition of Murvs hair after 6 weeks)

buried in paper
smoothing out the bricks

Another exciting thing is that our little food buyers coop- The Bountiful Sprout did a test run order with a produce outfit in Austin. Even though I am not officially on the board, I got to be there to help divide up the order. I left with a box full of fresh, beautiful organic beets, sweet potatoes, potatoes, asparagus, cilantro, bananas, pink lady apples, grapefruit and avocados. All for about $21.00! It was a bit confusing dividing the food out but all in all it was a very exciting first run! Now I just need a refrigerator so all my yummy healthy food does not go bad, and I can keep getting more!

Jamie and Evan unloading the goods!

mmmmm.....yummy!

P.S. Murv did get a haircut thankfully

Home again Home again...

2008-04-14T18:51:00.000-07:00

This one goes out to my cousin Jared for reminding me that I haven't posted for way too long...

So about 6 weeks ago I ran away from home (with the generous help of my dad). I just had to get away for awhile...and it has been sooooo nice. I have had such a good time with my family and I got to stay long enough to be able to actually spend some good quality time with each person and each little person (I even got to see Lindsay and Eli and my mom but forgot to take some pictures-- oops-- hormonal interference). All the sisters, baby and little kid time has been good preparation. I also enjoyed working at my dads office and even got to go to Utah for a few days and see some friends and family there. I will be really sad to leave everybody-- they have been such an awesome support to me! And I will also miss the running water and fridge too.

Here are some pictures of my trip home:

A super fun sunday afternoon picnic with Dad, Heather, Phil and the girls near the Owyhee mountains at Swan Falls--

about 30 weeks
My favorite sister in law Mary! We are 2 weeks apart -- we enjoyed being swollen and uncomfortable together!
Rebecca, Amelia, Hadley, Cash, and the baby bean
These kids are soo cute-- we were missin' ya little Eli
Ryan, Reb (and the bean), Dad and Heather (We were missin' ya Lindsay)

Me and Tammi resting our tired eyes
Happy First Birthday Amelia Joy! Don't you just want to eat her?Mermaid Princess Hadley Grace

Cash Ezra-- the super happy kid-- I miss them already

Solar Genesis and Kitchen Skeleton

2008-03-05T09:31:00.000-08:00

I know I know-- it's been a long time since I posted... But I have some time today to tell ya'll about the solar panels and my "kitchen." Last May, we found solar panels on sale on Craigslist! Murv checked them out and they were in good shape. The guy selling them got them from an unpaid storage unit from which he had siezed all the contents. Anyway Murv offered him about half what he was asking-- and of course he said no. He also said someone else had called and would probably be buying them that day. Murv followed up the next day though and lucky for us the guy never showed. So, my employer at the time, gave me a loan for the amount we wanted to pay and Murv drove over to the storage facility in Austin with the cash and the trailer and offered it to the guy. At first he said no, but as Murv was walking away he folded! Hooray! We put our six panels and 8 batteries in our storage unit. I then had to work very hard for my employer and I paid the panels off working about 9-10 hours a day for about three weeks. Even at half price those babies cost a pretty penny. Obviously they pay for themselves over time (if you actually have them hooked up and working which for some reason hasn't been able to happen at our house yet) but the initial cost is not cheap. And it was not until many, many months later that they re-emerged from our storage unit.
Anyway, in December my dad called and asked what it would take to get the panels up and running so his pregnant daughter could have some electricity. He offered to come out in mid-January with his electrician brother and help us get them going. Murv told him what it would take to be ready for them to come out and committed to have everything on the list in place by January 15th. The goal was that when they arrived the control panel room would be built, the ditch dug from the panels to the cabin, and the panels mounted. Unfortunately there were a few glitches along the way. 1- My dads brother had some family problems come up and wasn't able to come, and 2- Murv did not get his part done. With some help from some great people in our co-op Don and Lucky and a welder friend of Murv's, he was at least able to weld the panels together and install a huge heavy mounting pole in the field behind the cabin. So, when my dad and his wife Tammi arrived we were not on schedule, but we made the best of it. Tammi, me and my friend Jamie set to work on our own project-- making a "temporary" kitchen. Murv and my dad built the contol room. The project of getting all six panels (already welded together) mounted at the top of a very tall pole was undertaken by Murv, my dad, Dale-- our next door neighbor, our home teacher from church Richard, and another man from church. I don't know for sure how much those things weighed but let me tell you-- watching those six guys on the scaffolding trying to heft all that weight was SCARY. But it was awesome seeing those panels flying high in the sky catching sun. Too bad they are just sitting there catching sun and not going into my house-- the project has not been worked on since my dad left and we still need an inverter...(very expensive).
Anyway we have the temporary start of a kitchen, a new bed and the panels are up and the control room is half built.

Solar Genesis 2008

Base for the Control Room (made from free SIP salvage scraps which will insulate and protect the batteries)Kitchen Floor Base (we created an area that is sectioned off and stepped up from the rest of the room so I can reach the kitchen window and so we have a seperate space sort of...)Shelves and counter space and my new propane stove--a gift from my number one supporters on this journey scott and jamie "beckbuckle" (check them out here, click on "about us")--they are so awesome!A sink! Its not hooked up but at least its on it's way-- I now have a big water cooler spiggot thing in the corner and a bucket under it so it functions sort of like a real sink...Hard to tell but this is the barA real bed and a place to hang clothes! Good bye backaches and piles of clothes in the car and on the floor!-- thanks for all your help Dad and Tammi-- i can't tell you how much it meant to me!

November and December 2007

2008-02-18T10:46:00.000-08:00

Some Highlights during the holiday season:

Lindsay had Eli on Ryan's birthday November 8th-- I got to go to Colorado and help out with the birth AND moving! I loved being able to be there and see Eli be born-- though it did scare me a little :) Thanksgiving in Kady TX with my mom's sister Tina and Alan and their kids
My mom finally came to visit me! This was us and some of my friends eating dinner at an Italian restraunt after we went and toured an Olive Grove here-- it was really nice to show my mom around and have her meet some of my friends! Christmas Eve-- I had to work until 11:00 at night and really was not expecting Murv to do anything special for the holidays since he is usually pretty bah humbug-- imagine my surprise when we pulled in the driveway after he had picked me up from work and I saw this! My very own gingerbread house :) It was a great surprise. I was asking-- "how did you make them work, are they battery operated?" But then I opened the car door and heard the generator-- it was so funny to have generator operated Christmas lights. We had a great time sitting by the fire enjoying the Christmas spirit with our friends Roy and Marshall (see below).Roy and Marshall-- two travellers that got stuck in our town during the Holidays and had nowhere to go-- we crammed them in our cabin with us so they wouldn't be cold and they ended up spending christmas with us and helping murv finish the final coat of plaster on the cabin. Earlier in December Murv and I had prayed to really feel the christmas spirit this year and we felt like Roy and Marshall gave us that opportunity...Dru and Boo decided it was time to start venturing out off the land during this time too-- one day they escaped and Dru found his way home but Boo did not. After a whole night out on her own lost in the cold and dark she somehow made her way home-- a little traumatized with some slight injuries... that was a vey very long night for me, and a very happy reunion. They don't get to wnader much anymore these days...

A window and a door

2008-02-16T19:53:00.001-08:00

I forgot the window and door stories-- they happened before plastering or roofing but I forgot to mention them...

Window: We drove about 30 miles away to a window factory-- we knew we needed a BIG window to let in a lot of light. We gave them our dimensions, they said they had one in stock-- we loaded it up and took it home. Murv installed it and i went inside to open it. It SLAMMED open! What the?? Oops.

We gave then dimensions and they gave us a window that was designed to be installed long ways instead of cross ways. The window was thus spring-loaded so that had it been installed as it was designed, it would be easy to open. :) So anyway, Murv took the springs out for me and it works just fine... boy did we feel sheepish though-- the things you learn to think about...

Door: This is a special door-- a good friend of ours that is a carpenter-- Robert Valentine, had this door sitting in his storage shed for a long time and didn't know what to do with it.

After having searched and searched for the right door-- and driving many many miles and almost getting a different door but backing out at the last minute because they were extorting us on the price... Robert offhandedly asked if we might have use for a front door. We went and looked at it expecting it to probably be a junk door but decided it was perfect-- glass to let in a lot of light, great UV protection, super-heavy, solid wood and character! Robert even came and helped Murv install the door. This door has great Karma! Hooray for free building materials that actually work out well!

In addition we got a BUNCH of lumber from the coal pile at the hardware store 20 miles away (miles are mentioned so you know how much time we spend driving everywhere to get every little thing-- one thing we didn't factor in when we decided to chase this dream in the country) and we got all of it for $75.00-- the guy was like "if you take it all right now and get it off my hands, you can have it for.......$75" how cool! We were feeling pretty fortunate that day!

Murv was able to use this lumber to frame in the window, door and lots of other little projects. We still have some left.

Anyway-- with the window and door installed we could finally keep out spiders, some of the rain, and other animals...a big step considering we had been sharing with about 500 daddy long legs and a bunch of other who knows whats!
(p.s. i added a photo to my Tough Times entry if you want to see my "ghetto kitchen")

Padobe!

2008-02-15T12:08:00.000-08:00

So if you were wondering-- now is the part where you get to learn about Padobe. Paper Adobe.
With the roofing material on, we were now ready for plaster-- fortunatley this project was relatively inexpensive (except for that it required running water-- which we didn't have hooked up yet-but i'll get to that).
I mentioned earlier the sustainability co-op that we found the first week we got to Wimberley. We had been attending the group meeting every month ever since March-- as well as going to a work party once a month to help members of the co-op out with projects on their land. Well our name was finally drawn out of the hat and our turn was up! Murv was not excited about having a bunch of people on our property, and not really comfortable accepting help, but by this point I was! Once he accepted that it was going to happen no matter what -he decided that a good project for our work party would be plastering the cabin.
So here is the recipe for making plaster out or recycled shredded paper.
We are proud to say we used 2,000 pounds of waste paper to plaster our 385 sq. ft. cabin!

Need:
Concrete Mixers (2-3)

Generators (if you have no electricity like us)

Gasoline (ditto)
Portland cement (we bought waste bags of it for a fraction of the cost)
Sand
WATER
Lime (someone donated this to us because they had a ton of extra)
Wheel barrows
Scaffolding
Plaster appliers (can't remember what they are called-- float thingies)
Scoring Instruments

here are pictures of the process which Murv will explain:

One ton of recycled shredded paper

Soaking the paper in water to soften it upgotta give credit to the gasoline which makes the generator go! about $10.00/day if you're working all day...
When the mixture is ready it's about the consistency of tuna fish This kid is about as happy as a pig in mud!Up close-- this is the scratch coat Messy job site!The variegated color effect comes from using waste bags of portland cement which are all different colors-- it's like a water coloring-- (we will be painting over it so it's all one color eventually, but it's fun for now)
This is the slipcoat-- final coat (the structure has two coats of plaster in total)-- looks like handmade paper up close-- it's beautiful, very durable, weather resistent, adds yet another element to the insulation factor (very important for our HOT summers) environtmentally friendly, and utilizes products from the waste stream~

Murv has also been experimenting with the mixure to make padobe bricks and tiles which make a very lightweight, durable building material also.

Roofing

2008-02-14T11:21:00.000-08:00

By the time Michelle came to visit we were no where near finsished, even though we had been being very frugal and creative-- but we had maxed out our building budget. We were also finding the job market in a small town pretty difficult-- especially with all the rian and bad weather-- it seemed like the whole town was struggling to make ends meet. I didn't feel like I had the energy or the means to try to really push things with my coaching business and Murv was having a hard time finding work as well. We were at a point of pretty much just barely being able to keep fuel in the car, pay the bills and eat. This was not encouraging as far as getting projects done and getting any closer to having a finished place to live. And though it was a great upgrade from a tent-- it was still not really functional as a living arrangement:

My new rule of thumb (learned by trial and error): In construction, everything costs three to four times as much as you expected, and takes at least three times longer that you thought it would. :)

After all the rain finally dried up-- and in order to be able to plaster the house-- we had to get the roofing material onto the roof (another project Michelle helped a lot with).

The roofing stuff was estimated to cost $1400.00-- we had exactly $700.00-- a generous gift from our church-- but still only half what we needed. Murv set to work figuring out how to make it work! He is great at that, and by his genius and some miracles-- he figured out other materials he could use and came up with a system that works great!

The material we used is called TPO (Thermoplastic polyolefin membrane)-- It's a white reflective membrane that cuts a lot of heat (keeps the inside of our cabin nice and cool), and does not off-gas-- making it a great roof for suntanning, living roofs (growing plants!), and rainwater collection-- rainwater collection being a very important part of our sustainability plan.

We got up on the roof just the other day to enjoy the sun and it was like being in a tree house and at the beach with no sandy mess. The breeze was blowing in the treetops so that it sounded and felt like being at the ocean. The roof surface was comfortable and cold to the touch even though the sun was beating down on it, yet we bot got some great sun exposure. It's really amazing stuff! Not to mention now if it starts raining again-- our bed will never get wet again!!!!!

Dare to be a Daniel

2008-02-13T10:56:00.000-08:00

Since it was Daniel's birthday this week I had to post this for him-- I have been waiting for the right time...

There is a guy here in Wimberley that always has stuff written on his back window and one weekend this summer he had this on there-- I had to take a picture

love you daniel-- happy birthday!

(if you don't know daniel he is my friend susan's little brother and you can meet him here)

New Belly Pic

2008-02-12T11:08:00.000-08:00

As per susans request... (i'll put a few more soon but we have to take some)
I felt the baby move for the first time at around 5:00 Friday morning-- at first i wasn't sure-- but now i feel it all the time! active little one-- I LOVE being pregnant...
this was taken in front of our one and only grocery store in wimberley-- but that's about to change... me and some friends and other interested parties in the community have just set up an LLC called The Bountiful Sprout-- our own food buying group where we get organic and natural food for wholesale prices as well as supporting local producers-- I am VERY excited about it-- stay tuned for more on that as we progress-- we hope to have our own store soon and what we are doing has a great impact on relocalization--it has to happen...

A Big Boost

2008-02-11T14:26:00.000-08:00

In late September my friend michelle (great friend from when I was a missionary in san diego) called and said she was going to come visit us and help us work on our cabin! Considering how worn out we were, it was a breath of fresh air! Hooray for Michelle!!!-- she gave us just the shot in the arm that we needed. She was literally an answer to our prayers and thankfully we had good weather the entire time she was here! She had to put up with the two of us and our bickering-- but overall we all had a great time and we got the lathe up on the house in preparation for plastering it.

Michelle is a hard worker!

Ready for plaster!

Chillin at her going away BBQ on her last night with us

and some of our favorite wimberley friends

MMMMM. Foil Dinners.

Also at this time a new addition came to our family-- a black lab puppy-- she had no name for about three weeks until she finally told me her name was boo. And boy am I totally in love with her. Her personality is mild and sweet and obedient (unless food is involved)-- just like my family dog Widgeon that we grew up with only black instead of yellow. Opposite of Dru's hyper, willful personality. I say Boo takes after me and Dru takes after Murv! :)

Cutest Baby Boo

Tough Times-- you really should read this one

2008-02-10T13:46:00.000-08:00

RAIN.
For ABOUT 5 MONTHS. MORE RAIN THAN THEY HAVE HAD IN THE HILL COUNTRY IN THE LAST 100 YEARS.
After only being back from my travels and enjoying our little cabin for a few days we were crushed when we came home from working after a long rainy day to find a torrent of rain rushing down through the roof panels into our house! right in the center of our bed!
this time we BOTH cried.
Sadly, the matress was never able to fully dry out because of the rain and humidity and eventually had to be taken to the dump becasue it molded.
The house would occassionally dry out for a few days and then it would rain again-- even with big tarps-- it was impossible to keep things dry... when we would lay down at night the mosguitos would go crazy, many nights we would drive to san marcos (15 miles away) and hang out at the IHOP till 2 or 3 AM just to have some place to be out of the wet and muggy/ buggy air. We couldnt do anything on the cabin because we couldnt seal the moisture in. We couldn't even put the roofing material on for fear of locking and sealing the mositure permanently into the structure.
Everyone kept saying--"this rain has got to let up. it can't keep going like this." But rain it did. Occassionaly the sun would come out long enough to dry everything up -- just in time to start raining again.
And lets not forget what comes with rain. MUD.
We had to keep all our clothes, books, paperwork, mail, bathroom stuff, tools etc... in the back of the jeep. our life was a crazy MESS.
We couldn't use the outdoor kitchen and because of the heat and humidity things would not keep in a cooler. Anything i cared about that wasn't already ruined got shoved back into the storage unit which was becoming increasingly disorganized. Everytime we went there to try to find anything-- we ended up in a big fight. (i don't handle chaos and disorder very well, and murv doesn't handle "complications" very well). Anytime we were hungry or needed to go to the bathroom we had to go into town -- it seemed like we were spending every penny on fuel and eating out and getting fat and unhealthy and borrowing other people's toilets and showers. Our dream of camping out on our land while building our cabin was turing into a nightmare. Even dru was miserable. The thought of other people in the world stuggling to survive, or being connected to our pioneer ancestors wasn't really even consoling us anymore.

One day the sun came out for a few hours and i decided to clean and organize the jeep because the mess was really starting to make me crazy. I laid out a huge tarp and took everything we own out of the jeep and began to clean it. I cleaned and cleaned. Then I organized everything on the tarp and folded and straightened out the mess. I was about to put it all back but got called and a friend was having an emergency and needed some immediate help. I quickly covered everything up on the tarp with another tarp and in my haste to get to my friends aid- I absentmindlely backed over the top of my tarp as I was leaving. I BACKED OVER all our stuff with my jeep. WHAT?? HOW?? By the time I got back to asess the damge it had started to pour again and even with the tarps, water and mud soaked the big pile of run over stuff (it's ok, you can laugh). A lot had to be thrown out, some was salvageable-- a bunch of books will never be the same, I had to throw away our crushed little portable DVD player. SAD day. TOUGH TIMES.
I honestly don't know how we made it through that time...but for the grace of god, a lot of faith, and some really great supportive friends and family members-- neither of us gave up, though we took turns thinking about it weekly. And lets just say unfortuantley we didn't really figure out how to stay friends with each other during that time. It was pretty stressful and hard on our relationship. i wish I could say it brought us closeer together but really it almost tore us apart. I could say looking back, it has greatly strengthened us, but while we were in the thick of it, we didn't figure out how to lean on each other the way i wish we could have. But I can say neither of us gave up.
And then in early fall it finally stopped raining.
And THEN it got windy. Just when I finally started to get to use my outdoor kitchen, 60 mile an hour winds came through our camp and tore it all down. I was totally devastated-- kick a dog when they are down! seriously! I really thought i was at the end of my rope.

This was my kitchen which I started calling my "ghetto kitchen" after I had to cover it with tarps and a piece of tyvek paper (which I got when Murv was cleaning up on a job site) to try and keep things dry-- this is the very same kitchen that was destroyed by the wind... :(

One good thing that happened during this time though-- the missionaries and our home teachers stopped by to offer encouragement and support-- the polynesian guy is actually the cousin of one of my favorite companions from my mission, sister paongo-- small world...

Pilgrims Progress

2008-02-09T15:25:00.000-08:00

Our first adventure in the rain came shortly after the chiggers. The second weekend when I returned home from working in Austin it rained all weekend. It was also very humid. At one point water was flowing so steady through the land that it actually flowed through our tent-- good thing I bought the army surplus cots to keep us up off the ground. But that didn't do much for the rain that was actually dripping through the rain mac and the tent. I was so sticky and wet-- even my sleeping bag was wet. Between that and the itchiness of my week old chiggers, and my period, I was really feeling pretty oppressed. I told Murv-- This is not fun...
I have to admit that by the second night of this i laid in the tent in the dark, rain drops falling on me intermittently, and cried. I told murv not to worry--that i would get past it, but that i just needed to cry.
he said, " you know, at times like this i think of all the people in the world who have no home, and people like the pioneers, and it makes me feel good that I get to experience these trials along with them-- especially because a lot of them didn't have a choice and we do. It makes me feel stronger." It was kind of amazing how in the challenge of the moment, i really did feel grateful and blessed and connected to humanity in a stronger way than ever before.
Little did we know this first weekend of rain was just a foreshadowing of what was to come... We did have a few more weeks of sun and like I said while I was gone Murv got a lot done so that by the time I returned from travelling-- this is what I came home to...

It was very sweet to come home and upgrade from the tent to the cabin. i cried when i looked in the front door becasue murv had set up our bed, dresser, lounge chair, rugs and even a big palm houseplant-- OSB and all it-- it was still a home! finally a home of our own! sort of:)
i immediately set to work creating my bathroom and outdoor kitchen spaces. I set the kitchen tent up in the park...
and worked VERY hard to clear this trail and level the ground to set up my outdoor solar shower. I laid the bark and gathered all the rocks to line the path-- my first path on the land-- I was very proud!

US

2008-02-09T15:20:00.000-08:00

Murv made quick progress on the house while I was either nannying or off doing family retreats in exciting places like Jackson Hole and Avalon New Jersey, and visiting family and meeting all the new babies in the johnson clan. Aside from rain and chiggers and marital power struggles and communication issues, we were having fun experimenting with foil dinners and making new friends and getting settled in our community, and patiently wading through all the challenges that seemed to be manifesting in our life together.
One friend profesied: this will be the test of fire-- it will either break you, or make you so strong nothing can break you..." Little did we know how true this would prove to be-- and only now is the fire SORT of starting to die down-- but hey-- we are STILL hanging on!

Speaking of bugs and plants...

2008-02-08T13:06:00.000-08:00

These are some pixies of the beautiful living things and scenery on or very near our land. The final picture is of a plant called mullein-- a medicinal plant used for sore throats, cough and lung disease. It also makes GREAT toilet paper! It grows everywhere on our land along with many other medicinal plant and lots of indian arrowhead starts and tools.

This is our lizaerd friend Moe-- he lived near our outdoor kitchen and visited us daily-- he also changed colors and had a fan!

Trial # 1

2008-02-07T13:13:00.000-08:00

Once we decided what we were building, murv went to work building and I took job in Austin as a nanny to keep the cash flowing. It also made camping more fun since stayed in Austin during the week.
There is a spot on the land that has a grove of trees and a little rock prayer garden which I call "The Park." My first weekend home from Austin I woke up to a sunny beautiful Saturday, and after scouting around on the land with Dru all morning dreaming about my gardens and my beehives and where I would put them, I set up my cot and laid down for a nice leisurely nap in the park. Little did I know that the direct result of my scouting trip, and my afternoon nap in the park, was that i was being eaten alive by hundreds of microscopic bugs, affectionately called chiggers. (in order to fully appreciate my suffering, this is a must read link)
Unbeknownst to me the damage was done. By the time I got to work monday morning (it takes 24 hours to feel them) I had red welts everywhere-- and when i say everywhere I mean everywhere. They itched so bad I wanted to crawl out of my skin. The lovely little welts lasted about two weeks and the itching never really lessened, it just finally went away never to return again. NOT. I suffered from chigger bites all through the spring AND summer.
I am currently researching multiple natural ways to combat these little buggers without harming the land and jeopardizing plants, soil and other good bugs-- so that I don't suffer the same fate this spring and summer. keep your fingers crossed and pray hard.

The beginning stages of construction

2008-02-06T16:45:00.000-08:00

Once on the land we felt very relieved to have our own space. We began debating if we might (a) buy a bus and live in it while building a home or (b) build a small cabin that could eventually become a work space/ guest house. After much deliberation we settled on putting the money into something more permanent and murv set out researching what he would use to build the cabin:

(Enter Murv-- this is his part of the story) For an alternative minded builder with a focus on cold climate construction thinking had to be twisted 180 degrees. Central Texas is primarily a hot humid environment so construction techniques would entail keeping things cool as opposed to warm. We settled on SIPs , (structural insulated panels) http://www.ehsystemsllc.com/

(the stack in the left corner are the SIP's, and the right corner are ICF's)

This is the place! It took a wile to choose where we wanted to build-- 7 acres-- so many choices-- but ultimatley this is the best place based on wind, where the sun is during the day, level ground, higest point on the land, lots of shade... I never know all the things you have to think about before you just start...

We decided to do pier and beam for the foundation. We used ICFs (insulated concrete forms) http://www.amazongridwall.com/ for the insulation value, recycled content, and they seemed to be user friendly.

for the wall, floor, and roof system. The panelized system would prove to be a great choice for one person working with hand tools and a few battery operated tools(no electricity).

Moving onto the land

2008-02-06T16:42:00.000-08:00

In April we returned the trailer (which I loved living in) to our generous friends, and moved onto the land the very day we closed on it. Our first residence on the land:

The Land

2008-02-06T16:33:00.000-08:00

So anyway, we stayed in the church for about 3 weeks, at which point murv cut his left pointer finger and severed the tendon, rendering his hand pretty much useless for the next couple months. Needless to say the trade for renovation on the church became a non-option and we were once again...looking for another place to live.

About this time we were invited to a community meeting about sustainable living at the local Whatever Coffee Shop in town. At the meeting we were invited by some local people to camp on their land. The next day a new friend I met at a christain recovery program we had just started attending offered us the use of her 24 ft. camping trailer.

We stayed there in that trailer for about 6 weeks, during which time I worked some very odd jobs and we spent time looking at places to rent and land.

Then one day, we happened upon this beautiful 7 acre lot...
We wondered how it would ever be possible to get that land. But we KNEW we wanted it. And by some great miracles, big and small, and after it going under contract with someone else and then falling out, and with the generosity of my dad, we got this land.

This is how it looked when we found it.

1441 Spanish Eyes Lane

on the Devils Backbone in The Texas Hill Country

February 2007, On the road again

2008-02-05T12:32:00.000-08:00

Our plan for exiting north carolina included a stop in houston to see my aunt tina and her family, and a stop in a small town called wimberley texas. I just so happened to have a colleague from The Heritage Institute, outside of Austin Texas. Since he and I had been planning a family retreat with some clients in Austin, I thought it would be nice to stop and check out austin (always heard great things about austin) and meet in person with a fmaily we were planning to do a retreat with in Austin in march or april. So we set out for texas-- Houston being our first official stop. We had a great time visiting Tina and Alan and the kids-- we went bowling and played games and ate food with average kids that didn't bite, kick, yell, scream or try to steal anything. It was a breath of fresh air!

With a few minor hitches (losing the key to our moving van in Houston while visiting Tina, and having to get a new one remade, we set off for our next stop-- Austin-- since we got such a late start and I had an appointment with Frank early the next morning (my THI colleague) he and his wife maria were kind and generous enough to invite us to stay the night at their home in Wimberley and carpool to Austin the next morning. Being a little behind schedule we didn't pull into Wimberley till about midnight on february 14th of 2007. When I left in the morning with Frank, I half-jokingly sadi to my very creative, resourceful husband, "Go find us a reason to stay here while I am in Austin today!"

The appointment with Frank and our clients went really really well and reminded me of doign work I can feel passionate about and getting paid well for it. The clients said as I was leaving, "we wish you lived around here so we could work with you in person on a more regular basis." The whole drive back from Austin I kept thinking-- " I wish we could stay here, I love it here. I wish I could talk Murv into staying here..."

But i didn't even have to try because when we got to the Wimberley Cafe on the square and sat down with murv he had the look of a man in awe-- totally dazed. He said "you are never going to believe this rebecca, but I found us a place to live-- you are going to love it. I think we are supposed to stay here."

He had run into a lady in town who was having car trouble and he stopped to help her. Once they got talking it turned out she had an old church which she had had moved from San Antonio to Wimberely and had it placed on some property right by the river. She had been restoring it for about a year or so and was in need of someone to work on it-- she wanted to trade restoration work for rent.

Happy Valentines day to us! We went from homeless to a beautiful place on the river in a small town just ouside of austin, with work for both of us within 7 days of having NO IDEA what we were going to do.

About three days later, after a lot of praying and talking all night-- we went and put all our stuff in a storage unit.

Thus we really and truly put our stake in the ground, even though we had no idea what we were actually in for...

We interrupt this broadcast from the past...

2008-02-04T12:05:00.000-08:00

...to bring you exciting news and visual representation of the present-- most of you know I am pregnant but not everybody does so if you didn't, now you do!
Everybody wants pictures-- so here is one i tried to take of me and my beautiful belly :)
I am about 20 weeks right now give or take, due the end of june or the beginning of july. I have heard the baby's heartbeat twice now! I cried the first time. :)
We decided not to find out if its a boy or girl but i call him/her ezra-- because that's who I think he/she is... :)